too many whys here in this moment

Here in this moment. I struggle. 
I struggle with the ever thorn in my side, depression and anxiety.
I struggle with the why's. 
Why life why death, 
why love why hate, 
why comfort why not. 
Why pain and anger
Why lust and passion
Why when I know God's still on his throne do I die a little inside some days
Why does it hurt so bad
Why are smiles so hard and small
Why do I love so hard and care so much 
Why do I fight and struggle 
why this hard personality 
why the difficult gifts.
I want to sing a new song I want to dance I want to speak with gracefulness why less beauty and more body
Why when I know God's still on his throne do I die a little inside some days