6 years later

At the beginning of every blog I let people know I write these in the raw.  Feelings, grammar etc.  I attempt to spell check but if you see a huge error please let me know because I do not catch every error when I'm extra emotional which I am as I write these then I just want to get it all out there.  How's that for my first run on sentence?

Its been 6 years since our oldest son died. There are things swirling in my mind today causing all sorts of panic.  I have been doing pretty good keeping panic at bay so I decided it was time to write another blog and get my feelings out.  Maybe sharing will someday will help someone.

For anyone reading this who do not know our story I'm going to briefly share.  If you go back through older blogs you can get a lot more details.  You are welcome to do so. I will put a star where you can begin reading if you know our story.

My husband and I married very young.  Before I was 24 years old we had 4 children each child approximately 1 year apart.  We intentionally learned as much as we could about marriage and family because we wanted to break the chains and cycles of our past.  We wanted nothing less than success in our relationship and we had a strong desire for our children to have better lives and futures than us.

At age 19 our oldest son was walking along a US Highway and decided to cross the road.  He crossed in front of a stopped trash truck.  As he was crossing an SUV swerved around the trash truck and struck him.  He died on impact. We saw it on the morning news as an "unidentified young man" before we heard the devastating news.  The day this occurred was our next oldest son's 18th birthday.
My husband and I had some decisions to make. Do we run into God, knowing we had 3 very vulnerable teenagers watching our reactions or do we bury our heads in the sand and let our family, hopes, and dreams die with our son?

*We chose to press hard into God.  We chose to rely on His people and allow His comfort to see us through.  There is obviously A LOT more to this story but for time sake to fast forward 6 years we miss Corey so much but have realized to keep his memory alive we have to live life.  We can use his memory and our story to help others find and keep faith in Christ.  We can use it to help others know there is hope in tragedy.  We can help others understand we serve a good God who doesn't cause death. But carries us through when we face it and gives us treasures on the other side.

Things I've learned over the past 6 years along with what I stated above.
We grieve many things in our lifetime.  We grieve any unmet expectation. If our friends or family act different than they are suppose to, we grieve. We grieve when there is a diagnosis. We grieve when goals aren't met.  We grieve any time our heart is set on something and whatever it is happens differently than we expected it to. The grief may be more intense for different losses. There is no way the loss of a bank card or cell phone hurts like the loss of a parent or child. But none the less it all hurts.

I have a visceral response starting right before each major holiday and beginning mid February until just after Easter.
Visceral is defined as felt in or as if in the internal organs of the body or not intellectual.
This is a thing.  It happens. It is a feeling I get deep inside and I walk around for days trying to figure out why I feel so different, then it either dawns on me or someone tells me, "Hey its grief. Its ok."

Then I breath a little easier knowing that it will soon become less intense. Interestingly, I am generally not even consciously thinking about the date or anything else it is a deep rooted pain that is unexplainable any other way.  I have tried.  I've went to the doctors, counselors, preachers, mentors, etc. they all have the same answer....its grief.
I decided that this might be ok to learn to live with.  If I didn't grieve forever I would question my love. I would be afraid I would forget what I had.  God created us so intricately.

I expect to grieve the rest of my life. When Corey first died I spoke with a few parents who had lost children years earlier.  They were still very emotional.  At the time I was scared and mad because I realized it never really gets better, I will never get over it.  Since then I have realized they likely were that emotional because they could feel my pain.  My pain and situation made theirs come to the forefront of their minds.  It reminded them of the intensity of the first days.  I have recently spoken with a momma who lost her child 30 years ago and she feels very similar to me.  It isn't quite as intense on a daily basis but it still hurts beyond measure.  I can still say not a day goes by I don't think about him in some capacity, goodness it's hard. The memory can bring a chuckle now.  It isn't always tears but it is always there.
The hardest day of the year for me is Corey's birthday.  Research shows a piece of a child's DNA is forever embedded inside the mom after the child is born. Our children's birthdays are as much about us as it is about them.  To know once upon a time it was one of the happiest days of my life yet to know he's not here to share it with me. Mercy it's painful.
So in 6 days is Corey's 25th birthday.  25, am I old enough for that.  I remember his birth like it was yesterday yet it seems like forever since I last spoke with him.

Days like this I have to cling to the promises of my savior.
Train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it.
There will come a day standing face to face in a moment we'll be like Him, He will wipe our eyes dry take us up to His side and FOREVER we will be HIS. (reworded by a Phillips Craig and Dean)
On those days where I want to give up I can look around and know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is a God. If there is a God His word is True. If His word is True I WILL see my boy again.  He will be up in Heaven with a new body, no disabilities, no scars, no pain.
I can see him surfing the clouds, worshiping with the angels, and asking God if he can give us a little hint that he is still near.

Even in the chaos it is an exciting time in our lives.  It seems we are all starting or have started new chapters.  My husband and I are both working on our Masters Degrees.  Both of our boys are marrying this summer and our daughter is graduating from nursing school.  We are excited about all of the upcoming events.
In all of the excitement there is a small part of me that wonders where Corey would be.  What big changes would his life be taking?  Is it ok to rejoice with my other children even in my pain and heartache.  Is it ok to move forward with my life even though it feels like I'm leaving him behind?  I'm certain these are questions I will forever ask myself.  I know the answers deep in my heart these are just questions forever in my mind.
I am starting to laugh and smile again.  The first time I laughed out loud I startled myself.  Then I went through a slew of emotions and had to process through the fact that Corey was a clown.  He always wanted people laughing so much so he went out of his way to make people laugh.  I think if he is looking down on us he is smiling.  He is happy for us.

I thank God that in my weakness He is made strong.

2 Corinthians 12:19f
Revelation 21:4f
Proverbs 22:6
https://youtu.be/aaj7YQZbvcY

Fight for my Honor

I use to always sing my own version of the Karate Kid theme song. "I need a man who will fight for my honor. I need the hero I been dreaming of. We'll live forever knowing together that we did all for the glory of love." Oddly I had no idea at the time why I would always sing this song this way, but I did. This did not ever bother anyone before I was married. After marriage, my husband did not necessarily like that I would sing this all of the time.

As most people in my life know, generally speaking, I will jump in and "handle" problems, most of the time without fore thought. Where this use to make me feel better, as I have matured it has burdened me. People would say I was over reacting or making a fool of myself. These comments would only make me angry at them. It took me facing this for myself to see the results of my actions then for me to feel guilty enough to notice where it might not be working out in my best interest. 

My family, friends, and later my husband and I had many conversations about this. They would tell me to calm down you are overreacting. I remember my mom on many occasions saying, you have to learn to think before you talk. I would complain that no one else was handling issues in my life so I had to jump in and handle them myself before I got hurt any more. As one could imagine, I was in constant trouble for this behavior. For a long time I would argue with my mother about this. I frequently saw her in volatile relationships, I was under the impression that this was an appropriate way to handle problems.

As an adult I began to draw off of the experiences I had seen in other households as a child. I was able to see that there were better ways to handle conflict it did not always have to resort to abuse or end a relationship. 

I have a theory about a huge issue this mindset causes. I have not done any academic research on this theory this is all based on the experience of myself and others. I think that in situations where a child is abused they adopt a mindset that there is no one to protect them so they have to protect themselves. Thus jumping in and fighting when it may not actually be necessary.  This mindset is even further provoked when a person asks for help and they are blown off.  I am going to give some examples to help defend my thought.

I have been blessed to know a young lady who is very similar to me in many ways.  This young lady did not experience the amount of abuse I did but she was hurt by someone very close to her as a young teen.  A few months later she had another very traumatic event occur in her life. We will call her Tracy.  Where Tracy was very much like me in personality, she was somewhat more tempered in her approach.  She hit the ground running and faced ever challenge with football pads on ready to find healing.

I truly believe most parents do the best with what they are given. For example, I know my mom did not necessarily do a good job at protecting me but she did the best she could in the circumstances and with her knowledge base.  Could she have changed the circumstances, yes, but she didn't so within them she did all she could do. Just like this, Tracy's parents and family did all they could do within their power to protect her from any harm.

Tracy's first bad experience happened when an uncle violated her. She was actually in a room full of people when this occurred, a sleepover setting.  Not in a million years would her parents have dreamed that her uncle would touch her but especially not with 7 other kids in the same room. The other traumatic event that happened in her life no one could have possibly controlled but it happened.
When situations like either of these occur we begin to ask questions. Why did God let this happen? Why didn't He stop it? Some of the questions we ask can become irrational and sometimes subconscious.  Where was my dad, why didn't he help me?  We ask these questions even though there is no possible way anyone could foresee what was going to happen.

It is my belief when situations like this occur a child builds a distrust of people. Not only the people who violated them but also the people that should have protected them. At birth we begin to acknowledge who will be there to protect us. Who answers are cries for food and fresh clothing.  I also think the child will build a distrust or a skewed understanding of God. If they are raised in a home where they are taught God is always with them, then they blame God for not protecting them from the extreme pains of life. The child begins to feel like no one is there to protect them, not even God cares or he wouldn't allow this pain to occur.   Along with this or because of this the person begins to get a general distrust of everyone and everything.

When this occurs the mindset of the person changes. I believe once a situation like this builds up non trust for anyone protecting the child they begin to believe they have to protect themselves. This is an irrational belief for the most part. But nevertheless, it is a real belief in the mind of the person. In light of this belief system the child will attempt to fight all of their own battles. Why would they ask for help when everyone that "should have" protected them didn't? As they age they are taught that there is no possible way you can survive fighting for your life all on your own. This lifestyle becomes dangerous. With constant love and guidance they may learn to build trust again over time. There is still the nugget of thought in the back of their mind that says, "If this doesn't get handled quickly, I will jump in and protect myself. I will not be hurt again. If I get hurt in the fight, at least I tried." This is obviously a thought process error for the way life is suppose to go.

We would like for these kiddos to go back to the trusting naive kids they use to be. This is impossible. The pain is ingrained in their minds.
When they do learn to trust and ask for help it is very unlikely it will be a full trust. The child may not like the way the situations is handled. This is because it will not be handled in the way they would do it. This has been a frequent constant battle for me.  I work through this on a daily basis.  I know now it is not reality for me to  handle all life's battles. 
I have been really digging deep, praying, fasting etc.  I feel like last week God made a clearing for me to see the truth. 

There were some events that occurred within my extended family. I knew I could not handle the situation alone nor was it even my place to step in.  I would have really liked to fix it all.  God stepped in to fix the situation, of course not how I would have done it.
God stepped in in a way that was a bit ironic. He spoke to me through the same song that I remember from the Karate Kid Movie all those years ago.

As I the song began playing through my head I began to cry.  He very clearly said to me, "I am the Man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of. You will live forever knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love." Thank You Lord Jesus for being our Protector and Comforter.

too many whys here in this moment

Here in this moment. I struggle. 
I struggle with the ever thorn in my side, depression and anxiety.
I struggle with the why's. 
Why life why death, 
why love why hate, 
why comfort why not. 
Why pain and anger
Why lust and passion
Why when I know God's still on his throne do I die a little inside some days
Why does it hurt so bad
Why are smiles so hard and small
Why do I love so hard and care so much 
Why do I fight and struggle 
why this hard personality 
why the difficult gifts.
I want to sing a new song I want to dance I want to speak with gracefulness why less beauty and more body
Why when I know God's still on his throne do I die a little inside some days

Reflections on Mother's Day After Year 1

One thing that has really bothered me recently is all of the people posting things about their children being their reason for living. There have been times in my life where I could completely relate to this statement but it is a very difficult reality for me to grasp right now.  I know that my children were my reason for carrying on many days when they were toddlers.  As a young mother, sometimes my identity was found solely in being a mom.  I guess right now I feel like if this has to be a person's reality for a short time, it is okay but it is not okay long term.

There are two very big issues that are smacking my reality right now as to why this cannot be a good thing.  One thing that happens is: They grow up.  These little ones that we spent so much time loving and caring for, teaching, leading and guiding are one day going to turn 18.  Not that we will no longer be their mothers, but they will not need us nearly to the extent that they once did. I realized from a very young age the reality is, as parents, from the point of birth we are preparing our children to become independent adults.

We teach them to walk, talk, feed themselves and potty. Then we teach them to write their names, fill out checks, make purchases and pay bills. We teach them responsibility through getting their homework done on time and putting their bicycles away when they are done riding them.  It is good that we teach them to be independent. Upon creating the earth God instructed Adam to care for his family, care for creation and not be dependent on any one person for his livelihood.  So it seems in following our creator we should be promoting independence in our children.

The Bible also instructs us to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse.  Knowing this commandment we should be on a constant quest to prepare our children to be responsible adults, spouses and parents.  The reality of this is; although I would love to have my children around forever, I do not want them to be dependent on me. Thus if my sole reason for living is my children once they marry, parent and or age out of my care, do I still have a reason for living?

I would hope that before such a time I find some other reasons to live so that I am not tempted to give up on life and not enjoy my children as the strong independent adults I have assisted in forming.  I also hear a lot about the blessings and how enjoyable grandchildren are.  I would hate to loose out on the many blessings God provides for parents of adult children by giving up on life soon after they leave the nest.

The other less obvious reason for not having our children be our sole reason for living is we may out live them. I realize this is a taboo subject and we would like to think this will never happen to us but it happens around us daily. There is nothing we can do to prevent it. Obviously if a parent could prevent out living a child they would do everything in their power to do so.  I once saw a saying once, "If I had to choose breathing or loving you I would take my last breath loving you." This is so true for mothers. We would do absolutely anything for our children. We have an innate desire to keep our children safe from birth to forever.  The reality is this is not reality.  There is no way to protect our children forever.

This is one truth that I wish I didn't know anything about thus would not think to mention it in a blog like this, but in my world this is my truth. God saw fit for me to out live my oldest child.  The irony of this situation is I lived for this child for a long time.  He had some special needs and I did everything in my power to insure that he was advocated for and then learned to advocate for himself.  I did my very best to make sure he was on a level playing field as his peers.  There were sometimes things we could not always provide, but these things were never hindrances to his well-being.

I have always been blessed to have an amazingly supportive husband so that we could attempt to meet all the needs of each of our children.  A lot of times it would be one parent with our oldest and the other parent with our other three children.  This was our world and we functioned well in it.  This reality came crashing down, when our oldest son was killed, we were devastated to say the least. Had my sole reason for living been this one child I would feel very worthless and without reason to live now.

I can honestly say that I do struggle with the world of worthlessness at times.  I did, for a very long time, find my entire self worth in caring for my children.  I found my full identity in being a wife and a mom.  I will always be a wife and mom and can find great pleasure in this. I cannot however, find my full worth in this identity because changes in the structure of things occur.  Sometimes these changes sneak up on us and sometimes they hit us square in the nose.  Nonetheless, the point remains, if our entire worth is wrapped up in being a mom when one of these two situations occur it will flatten us.

The reason I believe I am so passionate about this topic is both of these situations happened to me simultaneously. I had a child pass away and another leave for college within months of each other.  We would like to think both happen with no warning, but that is not the case.  Although, college years or adulthood seems to sneak up, we know the ages of our children and where they are in life.  We may not want to readily accept it, but adulthood doesn't really sneak up.  We need to be responsible parents and prepare ourselves for the departure of our children or their "leave and cleave" as much as we prepare them.

The other situation, in fact, may sneak up on us. We need to be proactive as parents to not find our full self worth in our children knowing that anything is possible.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed. My grandmother would say, "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket." This is a hard concept to face when we are in the thick of parenting.  We must keep focused on the true goal which is preparing them to be successful independent adults.  We need to find our self worth in God alone not in the jobs He has blessed us with here on this earth.  With our sole focus being on the fact that, "This is not the end."  "We are not home yet."

A year out

Today is one year from when I last saw Corey alive.  I still have the same regrets.  I still have the pain in my heart that is indescribable.  It is a pain that makes a person wonder if life is really worth living.  Of course it is worth living especially when you have a husband and 3 other children along with family and friends.  So with that I have had to figure out how to live in the pain because one thing that is certain, the pain doesn't go away.

There are days when I think the pain isn't as intense and days that it may not feel as intense. I have learned to not let that fool me because even though it may not be at the fore front it may knock me out for the count if a memory comes to mind or a person walks by that reminds me of Corey. I heard it once described as waves of an ocean.  You can see them and feel them in short burst but at times they are intense enough to knock the wind out of you.  These waves supposedly get further and further apart in this grief journey.  I have to have faith that this is true but I haven't fully experienced it yet.  My grief still feels like I am standing in the middle of the ocean instead of at the edges.

I really can not say that the fog of denial has fully lifted because there are still days that I wonder what he is doing or when he will come home.  Some days I let myself ponder in these thoughts.  He must be hanging out with a various group of friends.  He is 19 so he will be around when he needs something.  It feels good sometimes to just let my mind wonder and imagine what could or would be happening.  I do not know if this ever stops.  Maybe one day I won't let my mind continue in the story line but for now it gives me comfort.

Then there are days that the reality of cold cruel death stare me in the face.  These are days that I am stifled in life.  I can't get out of bed.  I might not shower or even eat.  I don't answer the phone or text.  I am just overwhelmed with pain.  These days I can't think of anyone but myself and the child I carried inside me and then went through hours of labor to birth.  I forget that there are others in pain who may be struggling, whose life Corey touched.  In these moments of pain no one else can possibly relate.  It just hurts.

There are days that I am in intense pain but it is different than what I have described above it is a sympathetic or empathetic pain.  It is the pain that is ever present in the eyes, words and actions of my other children and my husband.  I see it in the eyes and words of our sisters and brothers, our parents, and grandparents.  I see it in the eyes and words of Corey's dearest friends. It is a pain I won't ever understand.  Pain that is all about knowing that my closest and his closest loved ones are hurting, hurting with the intensity that I hurt.  Oh how this breaks my heart all over again.  I can not imagine loosing a sibling, a grandson, a nephew, a best friend.
It gives me joy to know that he had so many important people in his life.

He made such a big impact on so many people.  I am certain it was in part due to his infectious smile and laugh.  He could make anyone laugh no matter the situation.  He had a dance he would do that would make the worst mood lighten.  He could also tell stories or jokes that fit any situation.  He was a well cultured well rounded young man and new how to play to that end. Because of some social issues he had, he didn't know when this was appropriate or not so he would literally make everyone laugh even if it wasn't "the right time."

My boy, my heart.  The kids have a saying "The struggle is real"  I could certainly echo that right now.  This day, this year mark.  This struggle is real.  More real than seems possible.  It hurts and it is real.

Princess Carrissa our favorite daughter turns 17

When I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child it took us a little bit longer to get excited.  We already had 2 boys who were only 1 and 2.  The 1 year old still had multiple surgeries ahead of him.  We had no idea how we would handle another baby.  We had been using the latest form of birth control it was implanted into my arm right after the birth of our second child.  There were several complications very early. There were thought to be 2 babies, then what was thought to be a miscarriage.  This was a very difficult time.  When we went back to the doctor several weeks after this trauma to have test ran we found out there was still a baby and SHE had a heartbeat.  The doctors ran test and said she was a normal forming, healthy little girl.
We had decided that Gene could name the girls and I could name the boys.  We had been tossing around several names for this baby and could not make a decision we both agreed on.  One day we were shopping at a church rumage sale and a little girl came up to us and asked about our young boys.  This little girl was very pretty.  When she asked what the boys names were she volunteered her name, Carrissa.  When the child walked away Gene looked at me and smiled and said that's it that is what I want to name our baby.  We quickly agreed on the name Carrissa.
Several months later, we gave birth to a very healthy baby girl, Carrissa Elaine Whitten.  Born November 22, 1995.  She was the most beautiful little girl we had ever seen.  Her big brothers instantly fell in love.  Carrissa was a delight.  She had a big smile and big brown eyes.  She was a joy.  Eleven short months later we gave birth to her best friend Isaac.  So she is the 3rd of 4 children and our only girl.  She has enjoyed this position from the start.  She loved baby dolls and dresses.  She also had a very special bond with mommy and daddy and each of her brothers adored her.  

Carrissa loved dresses, baby dolls and having her hair done.  She also liked to be a little helper, taking great care for her brothers and making certain they did not get into trouble.  Right before Carrissa turned 2 we moved our young family to Lincoln, Illinios and both Gene and I attended Lincoln Christian University.  We moved into Married Student Housing where there were a lot of other young families.
As a toddler, Carrissa loved tea parties, lady bugs and her brothers.
As Carrissa grew into a little girl she wanted some separation from the world of boys.  She joined girl scouts and played softball and was very good in school.  During her teen years Carrissa has found a love for serving and worshiping at church in various areas.   She has enjoyed student athletic training and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. She also enjoys throwing the discus for the track team.  Carrissa is a very strong young woman in heart mind soul and spirit along with physically.  She can certainly hold her own with anyone she meets if she needs to.  Most people that meet Carrissa love her.  She is very easy to get along with and has an amazing worldview.  We are VERY proud of this young lady.

20 years, to have and to hold, till death do us part

Monday, December 14, 1992

I, Dana Elaine Sanders, take Eugene K Whitten to be my lawfully wedded husband to live together in marriage!

I promise to love, comfort, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, being faithful only to him so long as you both shall live!

11 months

This blog, like all of the rest, is going to be fairly raw.  I have to say that I am going through a medication change and some health issues so I am having an extra difficult time.  I do not know if I would feel quite so depressed if it were not for some of these issues.
I have realized in the past few days that we are quickly approaching the year mark of Corey's death.  I knew this was coming it is no big surprise what has surprised me is the drastic shift in my life.  I have went several weeks without needing any extra prn medications such as Klonipine etc.  Now all of a sudden I am needing at least one per day.  All of the coupons and commercials mention March.  Every time I hear March I begin to panic.
It ends up being a vicious cycle because when I panic then I feel guilty and then hungry after that sleepy and it repeats.  I have to say I end up hating myself.  I may well be closer to a breakdown now than I was any point during the past year.  I attempt to hold it together for the sake of my other kids and husband.  Thinking about that makes me feel panic again.  I just want to scream.
A month ago when I went to have my medication refilled I was told it was $639.00.  I had been on this medication for about 6 months and it was working really well.  Because of the new year and having to meet our deductible I had to pay almost the full cost for it.  Needless to say I had to be put on a less expensive medication.  I have been told different solutions by several "helpful" people.  I wish people would think through things before they give such helpful advise.  Yes some companies will help pay for medications the issue with that is it is a process to get the help it takes approximately 2 months.  These type of medications have a series of really bad side effects when you abruptly stop them.  If you can not afford the medication during the time it takes to apply for the help you are up a creek.  That is all I will say about that since it is the most common advice given.  I am given advice like I don't watch the same commercials everyone else does. And yes, I know people are just trying to be helpful but sometimes helpful would just be to listen because the advice isn't really helpful.
Also, after several months worth of testing I have been diagnosed with cystic kidney disease.  I have a cyst bigger than my kidney should be on the inside of my kidney.  My right kidney is now non functioning.  I mid March (there's that word again) I will be having it removed.  I am a little nervous about this.  I will be in the hospital for several days etc.   
Then comes the end of March.  The 21st will have been Corey's 20th birthday.  ugg.  Then the 29th, CJ's 19th birthday is the year anniversary of Corey's death.  This is a hard one.  I am hating it.  Have no idea what to do or how to act.  I want to make it a great birthday for CJ but wow how hard will this be.
Then its also Good Friday.  Just in case I forgot... God went through the same pain I did having a son die on this day.  Good thing His conquered death so mine could live forever more and I could have the promise of being reunited with him again.
That was easy to type but not easy to grasp.
I miss my oldest son more than anyone could possibly understand.  I feel like I just heard this news of pregnancy yesterday, just gave birth a few days ago, just held him in my arms, just sent him off to school, just dried his tears over the first girl, just took him on his first drive, just went to his graduation, dressed him for prom, oh God where did the time go? Where did my heart go? Is he really gone forever from this earth?
I love you Corey Whitten.

Anniversary 12/14/1992 - forever

Today I have been married to my husband one day short of 20 years.  Since I'm pretty sure neither of us have the money to file for divorce I can say with some certainty that we will make it to 20 years.
We met in the 1980's.  Ben Davis High School football team and Warren Central Football team were playing at the Hoosier Dome..... That may help clarify the date.  I was with my bestie, Sherry Jaynes. I saw a guy across the stands and I said I had to meet him.  When she said why I said because I was going to marry him.

Please note: True Story: This is public so there is no way I can lie and not get caught.

We went to where we thought he was sitting and he was gone.  Sherry said lets forget it there's a lot of people here and you won't find him.  If you know me or anything about me that simply means, "bets on."  We went out of the stands to the common area and there he was on the pay phone.  Does anyone see my halo becoming a hula hoop right about now???
I went to the guy and said, "What is your name, Well it doesn't really matter because I need you to hang up the phone we are going to get married!"  Yep true story.
He hesitated.  Oopp there goes my halo again.  I hung up the phone.  The young, I'm sure stunningly beautiful, girl on the phone was just hung up on by a ghettooooooo white girl, half of my head shaved straight out of, well you get the picture.
He looked at me and when his eyes met mine his frown turned to shock then a smile.  To me in that moment I HONESTLY feel like God was showing me a light at the end of the long dark tunnel that I was only about 1/2 way down.  There are other blogs about what my life looked like from my eyes as a child and young teen.  I was in deep.  But I won't rehash that now.  We hung out.  Please understand this guy, my future husband, for real, was the most polite gentle spirited person I have ever met.  I was, well, bad.  At the end of this blog when I post to facebook I will tag some people who will read and hopefully attest to what I am saying about myself.
Gene and I met various places and hung out.  We talked on the phone and wrote letters.  After a while we only saw one another a few times a year for several years.  He went off to college and I finished high school living with various people and working 2 jobs. I skipped school one day just to hang out and was very violently attacked.  I went to school the next day where my boyfriend at the time found out about where I hung out and hit me several times knocking me out in the hall way at Ben Davis High School.
A lot of my 'friends' saw this as my fault and left my side.  I ended up graduating from an alternative school in our township and my boyfriend at the time who was an all state wrestler was expelled.  His wrestling career over, high school career over, scholarships lost etc. Jason wherever you are I am terribly sorry.  Not because I skipped school that day but because I didn't have any common sense and it got us both in a world of trouble.
After that day I decided I was ready to settle my life down.  I needed a respite and I needed it fast.  I did the only thing I knew to do.  I called that guy that was stability to me.  He welcomed me with half open arms.  He was willing for me to come and visit him at college and even to hang out with his friends but he had a girl friend.  It wasn't long before the visits became more frequent, the other girlfriend went away and we became serious.  We decided that we would both go into the National Guard and if when we got back from training we were still in love we would marry.
We were married 12-14-1992
Robbie Jaynes & Stacy Mills stood up for us at our wedding.  Our mother's attended along with some of the friends we had met from our church family where we were attending and became married.
We have had our ups and downs.  Gene went directly into the 'full time Army' and was stationed in El Paso, Texas.  We soon found out we were having a little boy and we were ready to start our life as a couple, alone, in Texas.
It is strange sitting here writing this thinking of all we have been through.  There isn't anything that we have been through that I would not openly discuss.  I am very transparent and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt  our past is why were are where we are.
We had A LOT of people who thought we would fail.  We moved a lot at first, lived in poverty for a lot of our life.  And most recent and most crushing, we lost our first born son. The stats were against us, still are and always have been.  We have lived our married life as Christians.  We are an interracial couple married in 1992, had a child with a disability, a child born with multiple medical needs, etc.  We fought hard for everything we have and we will continue to do so.  Any number of the things mentioned above make our chances of staying married 0-none.  We give all the glory to God.
Gene is a little less open about difficulties that we have endured.  He is still a gentle spirit.  I am willing to openly discuss anything anyone would like to.  Please comment and at least let me know you read this blog.  If anyone, especially any of the teens, have any questions feel free to contact me.
Our journey is only briefly described above we have fought issues with health, addiction, etc.  No marriage is easy.  If it is, then it isn't right and won't make it.
As I said I would, I will list some names and then tag them.  These people can attest to my 'abruptness' even as a young teen. I was 13 when Gene and I met, he was 16.

Robbie & Stacy Jaynes, Sherry Parsons, Steve Yockey, Dyna Graham...  Anyone else who would like to add your name feel free.

Will edit as needed.  Suggestions accepted.  :) love you all.

Tuesday November 20th 2:41am???

Coming as another unedited view of my heart at the butt crack of dawn.  No idea why I am up and sobbing right now when I have perfectly decent hours to do it during the day but..............

I have been sick for several weeks.  Generally speaking I get Bronchitis around this time every year.  I remember having it last year because it ended up turning into pneumonia and Corey was having some problems at school and I tried to sort of guilt him into listening to me about his lifestyle.  "Corey I am spending time in the hospital way from work because I am so sick and you are calling me at 3am telling me what extra curricular activities you are engaging in.  I am worried sick about you and that is not helping in healing"  Young adults caught up in what he was caught up in and/or young adults with diagnosis as he had do not respond well to this type of swaying.  Any of my other children would at least stop calling that late, if not be on the first bus home.

This year after the Bronchitis diagnosis I actually felt better for about 3 days.  I mean better than I had in a LONG time.  Then about the 4th morning I woke up sicker than I was before and things gradually got worse.  Thinking that it was changing as it did last year I figured I would wait for the weekend and go in on Monday.  Well over the weekend I began swelling starting in my mouth, tongue etc, nose, inside and out, face and various other places.  This was a painful almost couldn't bear pain.

Monday morning slowly rolled around and I find out my medications, heart, depression, anxiety, and the 4 extras for Bronchitis treatments have clashed somewhere along the way and I have a way different infection all through my body.  I will not go into details about this infection because it will absolutely gross me out but the only thing I can eat is yogurt and I have NO taste buds.  (for those of you that have read past blogs - yes they all crawled out) The doctor said by Thanksgiving I might be able to enjoy mashed potatoes.
I am not sure at all how many of you know me but I hate drinking water and I love food.  So for everything I intake to either burn or have no taste it is very frustrating to me.  When I say burn I mean like super spicy food all the way down.

I am now off of the medications originally given for the Bronchitis and on 5 new medications 1 being a steroid shot.  I am a big baby when I am sick. (btw) I am not a good patient.  Everything annoys me and I am extra super duper emotional.  Lets pair that with the fact that 231 days ago we buried our 19 year old a month in a half after that our next oldest went to college.  Two 16 year old's at home, a husband who is devoted to bringing enough money in for us to live, ALONG WITH IT IS THE WEEK OF THANKSGIVING.

I AM A MESS.

Just this week I have heard Dana I am really worried about you.  You have 3 other children and a husband who need you.  You can't just shut down. 

I have had some issues in my past that I have explained in previous blogs.  Along with those and the death of  our oldest child I decided it would be best to get on some sort term disability so that I could find some real healing and deal with some past issues.  When I was sent to the state funded doctor for a thorough diagnostic test I was given a list.  I was told that I did not have to live under this list for the entire rest of my life but I needed to be treated for these issues before deciding to end therapy.  (God played these cards right for me this day.  This therapist was a member of the Christian Psychological Foundation) Not sure if I am saying this name right.  Anyway he was, probably still is a Christian.

His laundry list for me and to the state..... Fybromyalgia, PTSD, which includes panic d/o, depressive d/o and anxiety d/o, Agoraphobia, Disassociative Disorder - Amnesia Type (brought on by sudden loss). 

{side note Disassociative Personality Disorder is Multiple Personality - please note that is not what this says}

For any of you that would like a layman's breakdown of this it means inside I am a scared little girl who startles easily has panic attacks lasting more than 30 minutes in duration, gets depressed easily hospitalized type if unmedicated, do NOT like to leave home or be in unknown environments especially not alone, do not like to be in close proximity of anyone especially not large crowds with no reasonable way out, fear of being trapped, can go out places and forget where I am why I am there and/or how to get home, could spend money not know where, why or what I did, (Within all of this I can get head spinning mad and pull someone's eye lashes out without much care in the world - ok that is a tad exaggerated.) I do hate injustice and can get pretty heated about it especially if it involves my children. All of this plus the Fybro that causes some trigger points that create generalized or overall pain within my body sometimes to the touch along with irritable bowel syndrome and immune deficiencies.   

When I used to hear diagnosis like this in people I would do more research but 9 times out of 10 make fun of them.  God has a sense of humor.  This is no joke at this point in my life.  I am Praising God through the storm.  I am attempting to find healing through individual therapy, support groups and medicine.  But I live in consent turmoil and pain.  I almost feel like the guy on Green Mile that took on other's burdens.  I feel like in some ways I am truly getting a taste of how Corey felt at times.  

So in light of the current illness plus the past diagnosis I am a walking time bomb ok maybe not a time bomb maybe a worm.  I do not know I have done very little so far this week besides sleep and cry.  I realize it is only 3:30am on Tuesday but I am counting Sunday as the first day of the week........ we will see it could get better.  CJ is coming home for a long weekend visit.  I am looking forward to that.  Thanksgiving with all of the food yet only being able to eat mashed potatoes because of swelling, well not looking so forward to my part of that.  Looking forward to everyone enjoying all of the food.  The missing seat at the table yeah not looking forward to that at all.....

Another interesting thing about all of this is we usually have stragglers, friends with no place to go for Thanksgiving come over and join us, granted we moved into a somewhat smaller house, but I have a feeling it is because most people are doing what would be easiest for us to do and that is running from the Whitten's Thanksgiving drab.  We will do our best to enjoy Thanksgiving even with my husband on call and a missing seat.  We will have all of the great food and we will have company on Friday for leftovers.  

We never have enough money to celebrate Holidays how we would like to.  Not much has changed in that area this year but interestingly enough when there is a MISSING SEAT no one focuses on that any more.  That becomes a non issue.  Interesting what types of this become non issues during times like this.    

We ask the kids about Christmas they say they are good they do not need anything for Christmas.  This is a double edge sword.  It sort of breaks my heart to think that they are saying it because of the MISSING SEAT but that we have raised them to realize Christmas isn't about gifts.  

I suppose the first's will be the hardest.  Things may not get better but easier to handle or easier to make a place for those feelings.  

WHY WOULD I JUST SHUT DOWN

National Grief Awareness Day 11/15/12

Brooke's Place National Children's Grief Awareness Day

Wear blue on November 15th is Children’s Grief Awareness Day. Wearing blue that day as we will be spreading the word to the community that “It’s OK to Talk About Grief.”

Isaac - the baby - he's 16

Isaac was born on October 24th 1996, one month before his sister Carrissa would be 1 year old. His daddy picked out his name.  He said since all of the other kids' names began with 'C' and this would be our last baby, his name should end with a 'C'.  We searched through the Bible to see if there were any names we liked and Isaac was the name we agreed on. Isaac means laughter and from the beginning he provided much of that.
 He was born in Lafayette, Indiana.  Before his first birthday we moved to Lincoln, IL to attend college.  As a toddler, Isaac had the longest curly locks and was the most cuddly boy ever.  He is the only child to this day that I can say honestly LOVED naps.  This has not changed much to date.
From a very young age he wanted a sports ball in his hands.  He did not care what kind but he had a genuine love for basketball.  We bought a Fisher Price Grow With Me Basketball Hoop and he would play ball from sun up to sun down if we let him.  He loved to play ball.
Gene, his dad, had an accident at work when Isaac was 4 years old. He had been playing basketball and landed wrong from a rebound and ended up with a double compound fracture, several surgeries and a lot of time laying flat on his back.  This created a huge fear for Isaac.  He became very worried about playing basketball.  We were able to get him signed up with Tae Kwon Do to help with his free time and extra energy but the basketball hoop scared him.

     

About 1 year after Gene's accident he was still having some issues regarding his leg.  The doctors in Illinois referred him to a surgeon in Indiana.  Since we were originally from Indiana we decided we would move our family back there. As soon as we returned we saw advertisements for Little League Baseball Signups.  We asked the kids if they wanted to play and CJ and Isaac said yes.
At the first practice Isaac was watching the catcher.  He seemed as though he really wanted to try that position.  The catcher that the coach had playing was struggling with the heat so Isaac asked if he could try.   That day Isaac found a new love.  He seemed to be a natural at baseball.  He loved playing any position and had an uncanny ability to tell what kind of a pitch was coming and how to hit it.  It was a lot of fun to watch him play.  He made the all star team that year and has been an avid player since.

Isaac still really loves baseball.  Sometimes its been hard for us to watch because he hasn't always been given credit for his talent.  For example, he is left handed and even at this age he is still an amazing catcher, he is not allowed to catch any more because, "there is no such thing as a left handed catcher." He has always been able to make up for the little disadvantages that come with being left handed.  He has resigned to playing that position now.  He loves to play center field.  He is able to run fast enough to back up the right fielder, left fielder and the infield and seems to know exactly where the ball is going.  His 8th grade year he went until the very last game before he struck out.  He is truly a great player.

The day his brother, Corey, passed away Isaac's team had a home game and he decided he wanted to play in it.  Several of our friends and their families took him to the game.  Isaac's coach said he actually played the best game he had ever played.  He has a true love for baseball.  

When we moved back to Indianapolis the church we were attending had UpWord Basketball program, we were able to talk Isaac into playing.  He successfully participated in that program for several years.  When he was in 3rd grade his older brother started wrestling.  Isaac watched him for a year and was his "wrestling dummy" at home, where he learned a lot.  The next year Isaac started wrestling.  One thing we've learned about Isaac through these experiences is that he can be successful at anything he puts his mind to.  He is a very talented athlete.

Isaac enjoys his family and friends.  He likes to have fun.  Sometimes he is misunderstood because he has very high standards for himself and gets very mad when he doesn't meet them.  People see this as disrespectful rather than what it really is.  He is very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt, people see this as a him being cocky or too sure of himself.  He presents very self assured emotionally yet is not.
Isaac took the death of his oldest brother very hard.  He had been home with Corey during the last big snow and they had a snow ball fight in the house.  They would frequently listen to music on the computer together and I could hear them both singing to the music in perfect harmony from the other room.  The last song I heard them sing together was the day before Corey died.  They were singing, Learning to be the Light by Newworldson and White Flag by Chris Tomlin.  When Isaac spoke at Corey's funeral he discussed these times that he shared with Corey.
Isaac has a special relationship with his other 2 siblings also.  Because they are all so close in age they have been good friends from the beginning.  Isaac and CJ share a lot of the same interest: Music, Computers, Sports, etc.  They have always been close to the same size, until this year, so they have always been able to be partners when at wrestling practices or meets.  They are always in each other's corner, literally.
Isaac and Carrissa have become a lot closer since CJ left for college.  They have always shared a special bond but it has strengthened in the past several months.
Isaac has been a joy to parent.  We can not always meet every desire he has.  Sometimes I feel bad because I think he could be further along in a given area if we had more resources.  But he has always overcome and over compensated.  Isaac wants to be a chiropractor and plans to study pre-med along with following his baseball aspirations.  He is a very intelligent young man and I look forward to seeing what the future holds for him.

Isaac, CJ and Corey at the zoo.  

Every time we went to the zoo they 

would pose for a picture like this.

do we look alike

Graduation 2012

CJ's home and a little taller 

than before he left.

Isaac, Carrissa and Bri going

to the Austim Walk in memory 

of Corey.

Isaac, CJ and Dylan after

 camo night with Purple Rain.

First day of school 2012.

 Pool boy 2012

Tattoo before color

Isaac getting his self designed tattoo
in honor of Corey.

Isaac (very tired) after having his long
hair straightened.

I want to share a story from 

when Isaac was really little.

Corey always had a wealth 

of knowledge and he was telling

us how every few years your 

taste buds change and you may

like different things so its good 

to try food you didn't think

you liked because you may 

like it after a while.  

Isaac thought that Corey 

said BUGS rather than BUDS.

He asked us if he would feel 

the "taste bugs" come out 

so he would know when 

he should try the yucky foods?

   

Isaac's long hair
(not straightened)

GIFTS

G.I.F.T.S.

Great

There are a few gifts that are far greater than any others during the past 6 months of the intense rawness of grief. I want to address these first.

Of course it is wonderful to have people around the first few days. What people do not understand is the first few days a grieving person in numb. They, generally speaking have no idea who is around and who isn't. Of course there are those few people that make large impacts I do not want to discredit them. (Grandparents who assist with funeral planning, sister who made picture boards, those who assisted with the programs, people who donated so that the funeral could happen etc.)

My real point is that the most important is those people who stay around. Not that we need a house full of people all of the time, but we do need people who continue to check on us even after 6 months.

Another gift that made a great impact is the people who prayed and continue to pray for us. I often tell people, I know the only reason we get up out of bed each day is because there are people continuing to pray.

Inspired

Several gifts that have been given have had deep meaning. There are things that have happened over the past several months that have not been discussed with people other than close family and intimate friends. No one has facebook-ed, instagram-ed or blogged about these things so there is really no way someone miles and hours away would know. I know that not everyone has the same spiritual beliefs but there is no way that anyone could have given such meaningful gifts without divine intervention.

God had to have directly spoken to or nudged these two women and they had to have listened and acted.

The first picture is of a visual prayer board. I am going to give a brief reworded explanation from the person who created it. It is a prayer in canvas. In the background is Revelation 21:4. She then said, "I do not even pretend to know what you all are going through. But please know you are loved and thought about."

The significance of this is deep for me. There is a song that played on the way to the funeral home. It is by Phillips, Craig & Dean and called When the Stars Burn Down

When the stars burn down and the earth wears out 
And we stand before the throne
With the witnesses who have gone before
We will rise and all applaud

When the hands of time wind fully down
And the earth is rolled up like a scroll
The trumpets will call and the world will fall
To its knees as we all go home

Star of the morning,
Light of salvation Majesty
God of all mysteries
Lord of the universe
Righteous King

There will come a day standing face to face
In a moment, we will be like Him
He will wipe our eyes dry
take us up to His side
And forever we will be His
Singing blessing and honor
Glory and power
Forever to our God

I had never heard this song before but it hit me like a ton of bricks. To me it said, "Dana, you will see him again." I have listened to this song frequently since that day in March. If you notice the bold part of the Lyrics and compare it to the verse referenced on the prayer canvas you will note it is the says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”

All I could do is send my friend a message and tell her thank you for listening to God. He knew what I needed to hear right then.
How else besides her being INSPIRED by God could she have ever known. WOW This was an amazing thing to be a part of. Also note on the prayer canvas the dove and the admission tickets.



The next inspired gift just came today, six months after the funeral. So we are at the anniversary day of the funeral and I receive a package in the mail from a friend who lives several hours away. She would have no way of knowing that I needed to refocus on the fact that I can still see Corey in the faces and actions of my other children.

Also, Corey is buried in the Field of Valor next to the Eternal Flame. I am not completely sure if this friend would have known that. I know she drove hours to come to the funeral, but where he was actually buried was not mentioned at the funeral.
In the note attached she said that while she was out she saw this and thought of me. I have to believe that she thought of me immediately because she was listening to God he pierced her heart for me.




Friends

As I stated above, friendships have been a very big part of our healing. There have been a couple of friends who come to my house or we do something outside of the house every week. There are people who call or text each of us weekly just to check in. I get messages on facebook and by text etc. These have been wonderful gifts, especially after the months have passed and all of the rush of people, food and donations are gone. 

We are also absolutely gratefully for Corey's friends who have continued to keep in touch. They message us. They also continue to post on his facebook page. This is super helpful for us. This shows us that he did have true friends and had made an impact on the lives of others. 

The picture above is a gift that came from one of the friends who has continued contact with me. This was a very special gift because Corey loved animals. As a young child he wanted to be a wildlife biologist. As he grew up and became more self aware, he decided to study mortuary science. He still enjoyed animals his entire life.

 Another friend who makes weekly visits to me has encouraged me to work on my creativity. She brought materials to me so I can work on crafts while I'm healing, which has been healing in a number of ways.  I have made rugs, blankets, paintings and drawings.  

Treats

Early on in the grieving process I received a box that contained this gift.  First of all, I LOVE bamboo. Secondly Corey loved watching wind chimes when he was little.  As he got a little older and began having more sensory issues the noise of the chimes would really upset him.  Even if we were in a store and he could hear them across the store he would have a panic attack.
He would have loved this bamboo one because it doesn't have the high pitch chime of the glass ones.  I am excited to have it hanging in the corner with all of my plants from the funeral.

I love all of my plants from the funeral.  They brighten up the room and I really enjoy caring for them.  I have not been extremely successful but I am learning and they are growing (for the most part).  I appreciated all of the planters we received at the funeral.  It made the service all the more beautiful.


Special

These, along with several other gifts have meant the world to us.  On Easter we had some friends over for dinner and then we all put this pond in our back yard in memory of Corey.  We planted all of the Lillies around it.  A friend brought over a light that lit up at night.  It was beautiful and brought us much peace to sit and enjoy the sound of the water from the fountain etc. We had various gifts delivered that meant a lot to us.  We received a prayer blanket, stones with sayings on them, and a large Hersey Chocolate bar.  (that was for me)

   

The best gifts of all were and continue to be the friendships and love we have seen from the people around us.  We have several very committed friends and a super supportive church family.  We can't say enough to show our appreciation.  

Philippians 1:3   

I thank my God upon every remembrance of you

Who is this God people are talking about?

Names and some details are changed to protect the innocent and the not so innocent.  I want this story out there for people to read and gain understanding but I do not want to fully disclose certain details.

I know of a  young lady who lived a pretty rough childhood and really struggled with who God was and what part He was suppose to play.  One thing that was very clear to her is He was not the God everyone else said He was, not in her life anyway.  We are going to call her Sam.

Sam was the first born to her parents who had been married for several years.  In early childhood she witnessed domestic violence between her mother and father. One day he stuffed her mom into the dryer.  There were some times when her parents were not arguing but she usually had to be in another room during these times because they had friends over.  

The house always had a  very funny smelling smoke filling the rooms and loud music playing when their friends were over.  Sam was not allowed to tell any of her grandparents about these parties. One time she ran into the room because a noise outside scared her and found a bunch of pills on the table that everyone sat around. 

She was taken to her bedroom and given a spanking and told not to come into the room again.  She cried herself to sleep that night not because she was spanked but because she was hurt and angry.  

This type of situation went on for several years.  Until one day after an extremely loud night Sam's parents asked her to come downstairs.  She was told that she was going to stay with her grandparents for a week and while she was gone her dad would be moving out.  When they asked her how she felt, she said she was a little sad and a little happy all at the same time.  When her mom asked her why she was a little happy she said, "Because daddy won't hit you any more." Her mother began to cry and picked her up and held her for a while..  

Sam was all packed and ready to go to her grandparents house, she loved it there.  Her grandmother took her shopping during the day and her grandfather would hold her in his lap and they would watch sports and eat ice cream together at night.  While she was at her grandparents house she would hear the Bible being read and old gospel music playing all of the time.  Then on Sundays her and her grandparents would get all dressed up after breakfast and go to church.  After church they always went to a restaurant and had a big lunch then home to watch sports.  

Her grandpa always told her she was beautiful and she could be anything she wanted to be.  She spent a lot of time at her grandparents house over the years.

Soon both Sam's mother and father remarried.  Sam's mother never had any additional children it was her and her younger brother John.  Her father and step mother had 2 additional children.  Sam felt very depressed during this time in her life.  She felt like she didn't belong anywhere.  Her mother and step father had a lot of secrets she was not allowed to discuss.  Her father and step mother had their 2 children and it seemed as if they did not really have room for her and her brother in their lives.

When Sam and her brother would visit their dad their clothes always smelled smokey so the kids at her dad's church would make fun of them.  At least when she went to her grandparent's house they would wash her clothes or buy new ones so she wasn't embarrassed going to church in smokey clothing.

During this time in Sam's life she would watch her mother get beat up at least 1 time per week.  She would get the backlash of anger from the arguments.  She felt as though love was about physical abuse, or tolerating it anyway.  Then she would go to her dad's house and see a very loving and overly physical couple.  She felt as though she had no where she belonged.

There were times when the abuse would get to a point where she would need to be removed from her mother's care.  During those times she was usually placed with her counselor from school.  There were 2 times when she was placed in a residential facility. One of these times was after she spent two weeks in jail because she stabbed her step dad in the back with a small kitchen knife for severely beating her mom.  

Sam began babysitting at 11 and working at 13.  Adolescence was a very difficult time for Sam.  She didn't feel like she fit in anywhere and she was angry young.  She was being abused by people who "loved" her.  She was told she had to keep secrets that a young teen should never have to hold onto.  Sam had been in abusive relationships of her own by this time.  Some times she was the victim other times she was the abuser.  

Sam had been sexually active with over 80 young men some consensual and others not.  One time she skipped school and went to visit a friend.  He had friends waiting until she arrived.  Her friend made her whatever each of his friends wanted.  After a hospital exam at lease 7 different DNA strands were found.  She had changed schools multiple times and had learned way too much about manipulating the world to just get by.

There were people in her life that would say things about how God could help.  She would hear stories about God making things better.  People would say they just trusted God and then things changed.
Many times Sam tried with her all to do as these people said.  She would read her Bible and give her all to God.  Nothing would change, in fact, sometimes things would get far worse.  

The doctors tried medications, social workers tried counselling and other home placements, nothing worked.  Sam would feel such desperation that she would consider killing herself.  She rarely laughed or displayed any emotion at all.  It felt dangerous to be too open, vulnerable.

In the work I have done I have heard many many stories like this and have lived through one myself.  I do not feel like I am at liberty to disclose my full story due to people who would not be able to accept their part in it, yet are still a part of my life in some fashion or another.
My point of sharing this story above is that my story mirrors this in many ways.  Even as an adult I have struggled with people who tell me to just trust God or have faith and things will be fine, depression and anxiety will disappear.
I was listening to our local Christian radio station this week and they were having a pledge drive.  A lady called in and was saying how this station lead her back to Christ and her entire life has changed now.
These stories seem crazy to me.  As someone who has sold out to Christianity, yet still has problems, is still haunted by my past and has never experienced this entire life change. I get angry!  Where is this God?  Who are you talking about?  Why hasn't He saved me from pain and rejection?  Why haven't I been cured from depression?  Why do people close to me have to struggle with addictions?  Where is real life in all of this?
It all seems too sugar coated and false. I think Christians, presenting the Gospel in this way are setting people up for failure.  I fear that people who only hear this part of the story will loose faith when a major trauma comes.  
My husband and I lost our oldest son this year.  I have met several others who have also lost children. There are some that blame God. There are some who are Christians and chose to have the funeral services at their church now they can not walk into a church building.  These type of situations along with many others happen frequently.  How many people give up on God?  It is easy to blame Him and or just loose faith all together.
My point in sharing all of this is to say that it is not always an outer life changing situation that comes with the decision to follow Christ.  It is a heart change.  We can not pretend that just because we wholeheartedly make a decision to become a Christian that our circumstances are going to change.  It is a disservice for us to present the information in a way that a non Christian may get the idea that their circumstances are going to change in any way.  God does perform miracles but not everyone receives them.  He can change circumstances but it is not always in His will.
The devastating part is when we realize that even though we believe we still have freedom of choice as does everyone else.  We, even as God fearing Christians, still have to face consequences of not only our decisions but the decisions of others.  As with the story above, the rippling affects of others choices can be long lasting for victims. I am not trying to discredit healing in the name of Jesus.  I am trying to discredit the fact that it does not happen the same way for everyone.
Our family experienced a life spinning, world turning upside down trauma that no one should ever have to face.  It was hard to not blame God at first.  Could he have changed the circumstances, yes, but he didn't.  Now we will forever face the consequences of others actions in the devastating situation. If I chose to believe that God predestined every step for every person, at this point in my life I would choose to not follow Christ of be a believer of any "higher power."  Because I have learned that our salvation is predestined but not our every step then I can have faith knowing that even though I sin and sometimes cause others pain or they sin and cause me pain I can still have the promise of salvation.
One thing that is a blessing in all of the turmoil is that God does command His people to be his hands and feet.  He wants us to flesh out his love, mercy, patience, kindness, grace etc so that all will know he does care.
I found this song that really speaks to how I feel about this topic.  Sometimes God chooses to calm the storm but sometimes he calms his child.  In my family's life right now it feels like he is trying the approach of calming the child (children) although we desperately wish he would calm the storm.  Then again he may be calming the storm because it really could be so much worse even in the moment it doesn't always feel that way.
Be Blessed and Be a Blessing.