Part 2 What not to say to the bereaved (mourner)

I realize this one isn't quite as informative or witty as part 1 but these are some other things people said to me or my family that stung in the moment.  
Again as I said in the last blog, some of this is ok to say to the family after they have accepted it for themselves or as their reality.  Once they start working through things, they may need some reminders.  The real issue is timing.  I was just connected with another family who lost a child.  I was reading comments on their facebook page and cringed.  The comments still hurt me and it has been 5 months.  Once the family has time and energy to process what people have said they are going to be angry.  
The people who will be safe to discuss these things with the family will be whomever the family chooses to discuss them with.  A person may assume they are a "close friend or family" so it would be ok to say some of these statements, and be very wrong.

You still have another son

One son doesn’t replace another.  It is true, though, that having other children does motivate me ever so slightly to continue to function.  I cannot function on the same level I did pre death but I know I need to stay alive and work on healing myself and create an environment for their healing also.

Time will heal all wounds.

First of all, such phrases sound contrite. Second, they are often untrue: for example, time does not necessarily heal grief. The bereaved have every right to grieve as long as necessary without having a time limit laid on them of "getting over it."
For me, I will not be "over it" until we meet again.

At least he lived a full life.

No he did not live a full life.  He may have lived longer than the boy down the street or your niece's still born baby, but not a full life.  He had goals and dreams for after college.  He was only 19 years old. The natural order of things is great grandparents pass, then grandparents, next parents.  You get the idea kids are suppose to out live their parents.  No parent should ever have to bury a child, no matter what age.

Everything is going to be alright.

When?

Count your blessings.

In theory, this is a great concept.  The problem is that there is a large hole where I usually begin counting.  In the horror of the moment it is not helpful to be reminded of your other children etc.  
I am very thankful for my other blessings.  Counting them in the moment all I could see is -1

You have your whole life ahead of you.

I do have my whole life ahead of me but my son doesn't.  Right now it doesn't feel like I have my whole life ahead of me it simply feels like I have my life ahead of me.  My whole life would include my entire family.

Life goes on.

Whose life goes on?  

God never allows suffering without a purpose

Never say "...it is God's will." Just about nothing can upset a person in grief more than these words. When we lose those most precious to us, we may wonder why God could possibly allow their death.  There may very well be a purpose but this is for each individual to work out for themselves.  
The detective who came and told us about Corey's death stated, "Ma'am, please remember something in the days to come. God may have just saved Corey from something far worse."  Now looking back I can say, "Yes, that may very well be true." I could even have a dialogue about what could have been the "far worse he was saved from."  But had anyone else in that moment said that to me, I may have went crazy on them.

I know how you feel. (Often followed by a story about an Uncle or dog.)

There is absolutely no way for anyone to know how another person feels.  Every relationship is different.  Along with every personality is different.  We all handle trauma and grief differently.  Even 2 people who both lost their sons, they will process things differently.  They may have a general idea of how the other person feels.  But everyone’s grief is individual and feelings are processed differently from one person to another. 

Others have lived through it and so can you.

This statement is possibly dangerous: someone who has just lost a child might feel so close to death already that he or she is pushed over the edge by being told they can "get through it." Hopefully a choice of life will be the answer - but this is something with which someone must personally come to terms.

"Very horrific things do happen in this world, and if we have been touched by child loss, then we have experienced the deepest pain known to mankind. There isn't any sense trying to sugar coat it. The pain from losing a child is off the charts. And, somehow we are left with trying to chunk down this pain into daily manageable pieces. It's a life-long process." Grief Toolbox

Be assured, though: you can offer effective comfort to those in grief.

Part 3 What you CAN do for the bereaved or mourning

 Being the hands and feet.  

Suggestions for what can be helpful.

This is the conclusion of a three part blog on what shouldn't be said to a person who is mourning. I wanted to put a different spin on this part because I realized in my last two blogs I basically said, "don't say anything."  That is not at all what I mean.  So I have put together some things that were done for us that were very helpful.  

In finishing this blog 'series',  I would like to make some suggestions of things that can be done to assist those who are grieving.  Some dear friends of mine were discussing this with me just today and I realized how to explain it. The words one friend used were, "There really isn't anything to say.  And using Bible verses or discussing Heaven is great, but not in the moment of intense raw grief. The (Christian) mourners know that there is truth in the promises of God but they are feeling alone, betrayed, guilty, etc.  The best way to help is to flesh out Christ.  Show God's love.  There's no need to discuss anything or try to find a comment to soothe the mourners just help them.  Meet what physical needs you can."

In an attempt to show Christ’s love, your devotion, your sorrow for their loss, or however you want to define it, you must be the hands and feet.  There are no words to say that will help someone who is at the peak of hopelessness.  There are however things that can be done that will show the person you care and you are there for them.  If you are worried about the person not knowing that you were around then simply leave a card. 

One of the first things someone should do is buy or find a box or basket for everything that comes into the home; cards, letters etc.  This is where you can place a 3x5 card showing that you were there and what you may have done, or brought etc. Also encourage others who come into the home to put their name in this container.  When calls come in whoever takes them should write messages on a notebook for the family, even if the call ends up being taken by the family.     

The main reason I think these are good things to start off with is because the memory span of someone who is mourning is not good or reliable.  They may think they will remember certain details but generally speaking they won't.  I know several times I thought, "Oh my, that is really important I need to remember to tell my husband that."  Haha, it never happened.  I knew I had something to tell him, but not sure what it was.  There were over 600 people noted as attending the funeral, more people came in after the doors where shut and the books closed.  By the time I was able to write thank you cards, I had no idea who brought toilet paper or chicken.   

Make sure that the person’s home is well-stocked with toilet paper, tissues, napkins, paper plates, plastic silverware, trash bags, water, other drinks etc. We found out about our son's death around noon.  By the early afternoon there were people calling with their condolences and asking if there was anything we needed.  I began to write a list after a few of these calls, with some assistance I realized I had told at least 7 people that we needed dish soap and toilet paper.  It has been 5 months now and I still have 1 of the bottles of dish soap left.  It was extremely helpful, but I would suggest someone make a realistic list of what is needed in the home.  With sudden deaths this is not always the easiest part but someone, a close friend or family member, should take over this task.  Give the person who is answering the phone the list and have them cross off things as they tell people.  (Thank you to all of my friends who brought toilet paper and dish soap on March 29th) 

Someone should coordinate providing food for the household.  Our son died on a Thursday.  By Saturday we had 12 containers of chicken on our table.  We laughed about this, but between us and our visitors it all was eaten within a week.   The person recruiting for meals to be brought in should ask for family, friends, neighbors, etc. to assist with bringing in meals for at least 2 weeks.  Some churches have meal ministries and will assist with this it is as simple as someone calling and asking for help. 
This part is very important because during this intense raw grief, a person literally will forget to eat.  I am still struggling with this.  I cannot remember if I have eaten or not.  I feel like the person helping with this part should also keep in mind while casseroles and buckets of chicken are fantastic and nicely reheat-able, there are other food needs.  We had one friend who went to a discount store and bought an entire box of fresh fruits and vegetables.  Another thing that was very helpful were restaurant gift cards.  I do have to say I gained about 40 lbs in the past 5 months.  We eat what is right in front of us.  If it is not healthy, oh well. 

Another thing that a dear friend of mine thought of was to create a website and connect it to a Paypal account so that people could make donations towards funeral cost and any additional cost incurred by the family during this time.  This was very important because our life insurance didn't start until April 6th.  That was 7 days after Corey died.  The friend made it a memorial site so it had details of our son's life.  It also had the news articles associated with his death, great pictures, places to leave comments etc.  The link to the site is in one of the other blogs.

There were many other things done by friends.  
One friend took my other children out shopping for clothing for the funeral.  Separately she took me shopping.  This was an odd shopping trip because I was so numb that I literally stood in the dressing room while she tossed things  to me for me to try on.  I had no idea what I was doing.  
My sister called and said she would put picture boards together to lay out at the funeral.  
A friend of our family called and said she would do all of the flower arrangements.
My dad and stepmother came and went to the funeral home with us to plan services.  My husband and I were in such raw emotion we could not think.  It came down to my parents doing the talking and giving us basic choices.  
My father-in-law found the best burial site priced nicely. (whatever that means)

I will soon add another blog but I wanted to make sure to mention that it is very important for ongoing care of each individual.  Once the  casseroles are done and the people are gone things get really difficult.  Each person should have at least one person who who text them daily at first to check in.  

We are very grateful to everyone of our friends all of those who visited with us, prayed with us, took CJ out for his birthday, Isaac to his baseball game and Carrissa to DQ.  
We could not have made it this far without significant support from our friends and family.  Thank You.  
All of these things were greatly appreciated.  

Part 1 What not to say to the bereaved (mourner)

Death: the painful experiences mourners are subjected to receive from those with the best intentions.

 Introduction by Suzanne St. John

                When my friend since High School, Dana asked me to review her latest blog before she posted it, I wasn't sure what she expected from me.  I assumed she wanted it proofread for spelling, punctuation and grammar.  After she sent me her rough draft, I realized she wanted help expressing herself as she wanted without others taking offense to it.  The truth is, this will probably offend people especially anyone who after reading this realizes they are one of those people who have said or done things during the last five months of Dana’s mourning that have added more discomfort to her already burdened situation.

                For those of you, who can identify yourself in the following paragraphs this is not retaliation, it isn’t intended to bring you shame, punish you or push you away.  Dana did not wish any part of this on herself, her family, or her friends.  Her goal, I believe, is to bring awareness to this subject, now that she herself is fundamentally aware of it.  Unlike sex education, math, and even religion, there isn’t a lot taught on death, how to deal with death, or even how to deal with someone experiencing the loss  death brings into their lives.   Most of us are clueless until we are a mourner or know someone mourning.  Most of us remain clueless long after we have moved on.

                I can’t really add to Dana’s perceptions because I haven’t experienced them.  I have no idea what it is like to lose a child, at all, including the way she did.  I have lost a parent, aunts, uncles, pets, friends, and somewhere along the line I realized there is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better because no death is experienced the same and no loss can be quantified regardless of the relationship, but there are plenty of things that can make those suffering feel worse, angry, frustrated, depressed, and even suicidal.

                Over the months, I have monitored her posts on Facebook, seen her blog, texted her and the pain is gut-wrenching, heart breaking, and often I would wish I could find the right words, the right understanding, the right anything to make her feel better but I know I cannot.   I’ve read the words others have written as comments and most of the time, it was obvious their intentions were meant with love and compassion even though I knew how they would be received.   So time and time again, I simply comment with a heart “<3” so she knows I read it, knows I “hear” her, but  also knows I can’t fix it and I know better than to try.

                We should only expect to be responsible for our behavior and the words or actions we display and in most cases we can’t be responsible for how other’s receive our behaviors, words, and actions but if we truly care about the mourner enough to write a response, or utter words of encouragement, then we should want to know they received it the way we intended; if not, why do we bother?

                I realize the intuitive response is to offer words of encouragement, try to find something positive to focus on, and respond with words that one believes are the “right things to say” and even words someone has said to us or what we have heard time and time again and in turn believed those were the “right words”.   The truth is very simple, there are no right words, behaviors, or actions to make it right, not a single one.   In fact, my simple “<3” could be offending for any number of reasons, even though that isn’t my intention at all. 

                If you are uncomfortable talking about death, don’t.  The person who died is not “death” so most mourning people find comfort in talking about the individual.  (This is not always true so have the respect to ask them first or remain silent)  If you are a religious/spiritual person and want to offer words of encouragement then say a private prayer on the mourner’s behalf that God or whomever you believe in, will lift them up, comfort them, and encourage them and I guarantee you will have no chance to offend them.  Matthew 6:6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

                In closing, these are Dana’s feelings today.  They may remain the same for eternity or change tomorrow.  That’s one of those things about mourning that makes it all so hard to understand.  Many of you after reading this may want to apologize, or react defensively, or be in denial, get angry, etc and that’s okay for you to do but it’s not a burden the mourner needs to be privy to.  Write out your feelings on paper and get it out then throw it away and move on thankful that you have the opportunity to learn something today about mourning, yourself, and how to deal with something like this in your life as you continue to experience your life’s existence. 

               

A lot of people provide overly simple, empty phrases that minimize mourner's feelings, diminish the importance of the one who died, and take away a person's right to mourn.

I am a Christian and I know and believe what the Bible says.  I know that the Bible can be of great comfort in times of despair.  I also need to say when the trauma of a sudden unexpected death, of a healthy child, hits home some of the most "well intended" verses and quotes can send a parent into a complete meltdown and possibly create a barrier between the person and God.  I know the promises of God and I know that in time they will help.  When a person is in shock and full of raw emotion the last thing they want to hear or can process is sayings such as these.  We, as parents, have to be given the chance to grieve and that is uncomfortable for those around us to watch.  It is ok to just sit and listen.  It is ok to run to the store and bring in extra toilet paper and tissues, even a few buckets of chicken or some sub sandwiches but the general statements spoken are not helpful in the first hours or days.

Also, all of these statements may be true at one time or another.  It is more about letting the parent or bereaved time to process everything.  These statements are ok to discuss if the grieving person brings it up.  The mourner must come to terms with these statements before they can or should be openly discussed by others.  I would also suggest the person who does decide to say these types of statements have a very good relationship with the bereaved.  If one of my close friends wanted to discuss any of this with me at this time (5 months out) I would be more open to discuss it without a sarcastic or snide response.  If a stranger or someone who is not close decided to just spew out one of these statements they may want to back up quickly.

He's in a better place.

I know Corey is in heaven but in a mother's heart there is no better place than with her.  

I heard one person say, "If it is such a better place, then how about we pray your kids go there tonight" 

Another person said, "If it is so much better, then we could trade. I will take my son back and your daughter can take his place." 

One author wrote, “He's in a better place? No, he is in a morgue.  He was hit by a bus.  He was not even sick; he had attainable goals and dreams for the future that won’t be met now.”

I realize there is no better place than heaven.  There are no worries.  All things are made new. 

Corey does not need to cut himself to feel relief.  He is not confused about social order.  He doesn't need to seek deep pressure by throwing himself into things.  Corey will have no more earthly desires like his cravings for deep pressure or pain.  No more tight squeezes, no more cutting, no more rolling down the steps, no more shutting himself into places. 

Maybe God did want to end his misery.  Maybe He was saving him from something far worse.  But as a parent of a child who is gone, other people do not need to point these things out. 

After the parent begins to come to terms with these realizations and begins to share them with those around them, then this can be discussed with caution.

You don't have to worry about him anymore.

It is true I do not HAVE to worry about him anymore, but worrying about Corey was not as bad as losing him. In fact, my sleepless nights while he was in college were nights I had committed to pray.  I had decided that whenever I could not sleep that meant God wanted me to pray for him.  Sometimes the panic would be replaced by restfulness in the Lord. 

Another side of this is that I actually still do worry about him.  It is as if my mind plays tricks on me.  I will do a head count as I lock the door at night and think, we are missing one.  Then I realize, one of them isn’t coming back home. 

We just recently moved into a smaller place.  We went from a family of 7 people and 3 dogs to 4 people and no dogs.  (My mother and pets were living with us)  I continually think, “How will Corey find us when he is ready to come back home.”  So the truth is, I do not HAVE to worry about Corey anymore, I still do.

Are you over it yet?

I (we) will never be over it.  Our lives have been changed forever.  We lived for 19+ years providing love and guidance to our child/brother.  Now, he is suddenly gone.  How do you get over it?  Several doctors I have spoken with in the past few months have said it can take up to 2 years for you to say you feel “ok” again and 10 years to develop a new “normal.”

As a mom, I do not think that I will be “over it” until I join him in heaven.  

At least he isn't suffering.

I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all. Why is there Autism in the world?  Why does anyone have diagnosis?  Why did Corey have to live with constant turmoil in his head?  My son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  There are others who are diagnosed with issues so much more painful and long suffering.  I know that Corey isn’t suffering just the same as those parents know in their heads that their child is not suffering any longer.  But in our hearts that are broken none of it makes since and the words are not helpful until we come to terms with it ourselves, even then they may not be helpful.

God needed another angel.

In an attempt to not get too philosophical I tend to go along with people that say, Corey is an angel now.  The truth is that I am a Christian and the Bible says he is a Saint not an Angel.  It is easier for our finite minds to accept that our loved ones move on to be Angels but God has all of his Angels.   

God needed him more than we do.

Seriously then why did He let me have him in the first place? God does not NEED anyone. 

I'm glad my son saw what your son went through maybe he will appreciate life and make better choices.

I am so glad my son could be the sacrificial lamb.  Young people make their own choices.  Sometimes watching what one family went through will make an impact but teenagers and young adults see themselves as invincible so they do not think anything like that will ever happen to them.  It is sort of like the example 1 out of 4 die in an accident.  Since our friend Corey died, then I’m certain we won’t.  We can continue to party.

“Be brave”  “Be strong”

Who cares about bravery when faced with such essential questions as, "my child is dead. Should I live or die?"  Also these types of statements can be detrimental to living siblings.  They think that they have to be strong for the family and then they do not grieve.  Each person needs to grieve and in the moment this does not look like strength but it is.  Bravery and strength is allowing yourself to cry or mourn however you need to without the burden of needing to “stay strong for the family.”

Grieving is a process, stages to work through

”This sounds absurdly cold and mechanical, and leaves no room for unexpected, spontaneous experiences of grief that do not conform to any preset theory, and may be surprisingly essential, somehow, in learning to live with one's grief.”

“Avoid talking about "Stages of Grieving." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross never meant for her "stages" theory to be taken as literally as it has in regard to bereavement, later writing that grief happens in its own time and fashion, and cannot always be neatly resolved.” The Grief Toolbox

You are doing so well

You do not live in that person's head or heart. For all you know he or she may look okay but be contemplating suicide. Do not add expectations of "doing well" to those already so burdened with the loss of their loved ones that they may be feeling like death themselves. Don't push your expectations on them; simply allow them their time to grieve.

God wanted him.

I want to scream when people say this.  I want to tell them, “Don’t blame this crap on God.”  God designed us to live in the Garden of Eden where there was no sin and no death.  We, as humans introduced sin and death into the world. I am sure, now that this has occurred God has a place for him in heaven.  I think it likely breaks His heart to see His people suffer.  

God never gives you more than you can handle

In the words of Mother Theresa “Then I wish He didn't trust me so much.” I know that God allowed us the ability to seek professional help.  He also intended for His flock to take care of one another.  With both of these supports in place in, an intense way, life begins to look like, I may be able to move forward.  But if this same type of tragedy and death happens to non-believers, people not tied into church, family or other type of support system, they may well self-destruct. 

I would like this statement to read, “God never gives you, on your own, more than you can handle.”  With the supports of His people and some professional help handling grief becomes bearable.  I do not use bearable lightly because there are times even with all of the supports in place it does not feel like a person could possibly live through these intense feelings alone.   With rampant mental health issues and domestic and family issues the statement above could be easily debated.  God intended a life minus sin and death, without those two factors this life would be a lot easier to handle. 

The basic point once again is this statement can be hurtful because until we have accepted that God allows such trials to occur, we are not ready to hear about God helping us through it.  We understand God’s truths, but it does not make it any easier to handle in the raw emotion.

To be Con't