Here in this moment. I struggle.
I struggle with the ever thorn in my side, depression and anxiety.
I struggle with the why's.
Why life why death,
why love why hate,
why comfort why not.
Why pain and anger
Why lust and passion
Why when I know God's still on his throne do I die a little inside some days
Why does it hurt so bad
Why are smiles so hard and small
Why do I love so hard and care so much
Why do I fight and struggle
why this hard personality
why the difficult gifts.
I want to sing a new song I want to dance I want to speak with gracefulness why less beauty and more body
Why when I know God's still on his throne do I die a little inside some days
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Reflections on Mother's Day After Year 1
One thing that has really bothered me recently is all of the people posting things about their children being their reason for living. There have been times in my life where I could completely relate to this statement but it is a very difficult reality for me to grasp right now. I know that my children were my reason for carrying on many days when they were toddlers. As a young mother, sometimes my identity was found solely in being a mom. I guess right now I feel like if this has to be a person's reality for a short time, it is okay but it is not okay long term.
There are two very big issues that are smacking my reality right now as to why this cannot be a good thing. One thing that happens is: They grow up. These little ones that we spent so much time loving and caring for, teaching, leading and guiding are one day going to turn 18. Not that we will no longer be their mothers, but they will not need us nearly to the extent that they once did. I realized from a very young age the reality is, as parents, from the point of birth we are preparing our children to become independent adults.
We teach them to walk, talk, feed themselves and potty. Then we teach them to write their names, fill out checks, make purchases and pay bills. We teach them responsibility through getting their homework done on time and putting their bicycles away when they are done riding them. It is good that we teach them to be independent. Upon creating the earth God instructed Adam to care for his family, care for creation and not be dependent on any one person for his livelihood. So it seems in following our creator we should be promoting independence in our children.
The Bible also instructs us to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. Knowing this commandment we should be on a constant quest to prepare our children to be responsible adults, spouses and parents. The reality of this is; although I would love to have my children around forever, I do not want them to be dependent on me. Thus if my sole reason for living is my children once they marry, parent and or age out of my care, do I still have a reason for living?
I would hope that before such a time I find some other reasons to live so that I am not tempted to give up on life and not enjoy my children as the strong independent adults I have assisted in forming. I also hear a lot about the blessings and how enjoyable grandchildren are. I would hate to loose out on the many blessings God provides for parents of adult children by giving up on life soon after they leave the nest.
The other less obvious reason for not having our children be our sole reason for living is we may out live them. I realize this is a taboo subject and we would like to think this will never happen to us but it happens around us daily. There is nothing we can do to prevent it. Obviously if a parent could prevent out living a child they would do everything in their power to do so. I once saw a saying once, "If I had to choose breathing or loving you I would take my last breath loving you." This is so true for mothers. We would do absolutely anything for our children. We have an innate desire to keep our children safe from birth to forever. The reality is this is not reality. There is no way to protect our children forever.
This is one truth that I wish I didn't know anything about thus would not think to mention it in a blog like this, but in my world this is my truth. God saw fit for me to out live my oldest child. The irony of this situation is I lived for this child for a long time. He had some special needs and I did everything in my power to insure that he was advocated for and then learned to advocate for himself. I did my very best to make sure he was on a level playing field as his peers. There were sometimes things we could not always provide, but these things were never hindrances to his well-being.
I have always been blessed to have an amazingly supportive husband so that we could attempt to meet all the needs of each of our children. A lot of times it would be one parent with our oldest and the other parent with our other three children. This was our world and we functioned well in it. This reality came crashing down, when our oldest son was killed, we were devastated to say the least. Had my sole reason for living been this one child I would feel very worthless and without reason to live now.
I can honestly say that I do struggle with the world of worthlessness at times. I did, for a very long time, find my entire self worth in caring for my children. I found my full identity in being a wife and a mom. I will always be a wife and mom and can find great pleasure in this. I cannot however, find my full worth in this identity because changes in the structure of things occur. Sometimes these changes sneak up on us and sometimes they hit us square in the nose. Nonetheless, the point remains, if our entire worth is wrapped up in being a mom when one of these two situations occur it will flatten us.
The reason I believe I am so passionate about this topic is both of these situations happened to me simultaneously. I had a child pass away and another leave for college within months of each other. We would like to think both happen with no warning, but that is not the case. Although, college years or adulthood seems to sneak up, we know the ages of our children and where they are in life. We may not want to readily accept it, but adulthood doesn't really sneak up. We need to be responsible parents and prepare ourselves for the departure of our children or their "leave and cleave" as much as we prepare them.
The other situation, in fact, may sneak up on us. We need to be proactive as parents to not find our full self worth in our children knowing that anything is possible. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. My grandmother would say, "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket." This is a hard concept to face when we are in the thick of parenting. We must keep focused on the true goal which is preparing them to be successful independent adults. We need to find our self worth in God alone not in the jobs He has blessed us with here on this earth. With our sole focus being on the fact that, "This is not the end." "We are not home yet."
There are two very big issues that are smacking my reality right now as to why this cannot be a good thing. One thing that happens is: They grow up. These little ones that we spent so much time loving and caring for, teaching, leading and guiding are one day going to turn 18. Not that we will no longer be their mothers, but they will not need us nearly to the extent that they once did. I realized from a very young age the reality is, as parents, from the point of birth we are preparing our children to become independent adults.
We teach them to walk, talk, feed themselves and potty. Then we teach them to write their names, fill out checks, make purchases and pay bills. We teach them responsibility through getting their homework done on time and putting their bicycles away when they are done riding them. It is good that we teach them to be independent. Upon creating the earth God instructed Adam to care for his family, care for creation and not be dependent on any one person for his livelihood. So it seems in following our creator we should be promoting independence in our children.
The Bible also instructs us to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. Knowing this commandment we should be on a constant quest to prepare our children to be responsible adults, spouses and parents. The reality of this is; although I would love to have my children around forever, I do not want them to be dependent on me. Thus if my sole reason for living is my children once they marry, parent and or age out of my care, do I still have a reason for living?
I would hope that before such a time I find some other reasons to live so that I am not tempted to give up on life and not enjoy my children as the strong independent adults I have assisted in forming. I also hear a lot about the blessings and how enjoyable grandchildren are. I would hate to loose out on the many blessings God provides for parents of adult children by giving up on life soon after they leave the nest.
The other less obvious reason for not having our children be our sole reason for living is we may out live them. I realize this is a taboo subject and we would like to think this will never happen to us but it happens around us daily. There is nothing we can do to prevent it. Obviously if a parent could prevent out living a child they would do everything in their power to do so. I once saw a saying once, "If I had to choose breathing or loving you I would take my last breath loving you." This is so true for mothers. We would do absolutely anything for our children. We have an innate desire to keep our children safe from birth to forever. The reality is this is not reality. There is no way to protect our children forever.
This is one truth that I wish I didn't know anything about thus would not think to mention it in a blog like this, but in my world this is my truth. God saw fit for me to out live my oldest child. The irony of this situation is I lived for this child for a long time. He had some special needs and I did everything in my power to insure that he was advocated for and then learned to advocate for himself. I did my very best to make sure he was on a level playing field as his peers. There were sometimes things we could not always provide, but these things were never hindrances to his well-being.
I have always been blessed to have an amazingly supportive husband so that we could attempt to meet all the needs of each of our children. A lot of times it would be one parent with our oldest and the other parent with our other three children. This was our world and we functioned well in it. This reality came crashing down, when our oldest son was killed, we were devastated to say the least. Had my sole reason for living been this one child I would feel very worthless and without reason to live now.
I can honestly say that I do struggle with the world of worthlessness at times. I did, for a very long time, find my entire self worth in caring for my children. I found my full identity in being a wife and a mom. I will always be a wife and mom and can find great pleasure in this. I cannot however, find my full worth in this identity because changes in the structure of things occur. Sometimes these changes sneak up on us and sometimes they hit us square in the nose. Nonetheless, the point remains, if our entire worth is wrapped up in being a mom when one of these two situations occur it will flatten us.
The reason I believe I am so passionate about this topic is both of these situations happened to me simultaneously. I had a child pass away and another leave for college within months of each other. We would like to think both happen with no warning, but that is not the case. Although, college years or adulthood seems to sneak up, we know the ages of our children and where they are in life. We may not want to readily accept it, but adulthood doesn't really sneak up. We need to be responsible parents and prepare ourselves for the departure of our children or their "leave and cleave" as much as we prepare them.
The other situation, in fact, may sneak up on us. We need to be proactive as parents to not find our full self worth in our children knowing that anything is possible. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. My grandmother would say, "Don't put all of your eggs in one basket." This is a hard concept to face when we are in the thick of parenting. We must keep focused on the true goal which is preparing them to be successful independent adults. We need to find our self worth in God alone not in the jobs He has blessed us with here on this earth. With our sole focus being on the fact that, "This is not the end." "We are not home yet."
Thursday, March 28, 2013
A year out
Today is one year from when I last saw Corey alive. I still have the same regrets. I still have the pain in my heart that is indescribable. It is a pain that makes a person wonder if life is really worth living. Of course it is worth living especially when you have a husband and 3 other children along with family and friends. So with that I have had to figure out how to live in the pain because one thing that is certain, the pain doesn't go away.
There are days when I think the pain isn't as intense and days that it may not feel as intense. I have learned to not let that fool me because even though it may not be at the fore front it may knock me out for the count if a memory comes to mind or a person walks by that reminds me of Corey. I heard it once described as waves of an ocean. You can see them and feel them in short burst but at times they are intense enough to knock the wind out of you. These waves supposedly get further and further apart in this grief journey. I have to have faith that this is true but I haven't fully experienced it yet. My grief still feels like I am standing in the middle of the ocean instead of at the edges.
I really can not say that the fog of denial has fully lifted because there are still days that I wonder what he is doing or when he will come home. Some days I let myself ponder in these thoughts. He must be hanging out with a various group of friends. He is 19 so he will be around when he needs something. It feels good sometimes to just let my mind wonder and imagine what could or would be happening. I do not know if this ever stops. Maybe one day I won't let my mind continue in the story line but for now it gives me comfort.
Then there are days that the reality of cold cruel death stare me in the face. These are days that I am stifled in life. I can't get out of bed. I might not shower or even eat. I don't answer the phone or text. I am just overwhelmed with pain. These days I can't think of anyone but myself and the child I carried inside me and then went through hours of labor to birth. I forget that there are others in pain who may be struggling, whose life Corey touched. In these moments of pain no one else can possibly relate. It just hurts.
There are days that I am in intense pain but it is different than what I have described above it is a sympathetic or empathetic pain. It is the pain that is ever present in the eyes, words and actions of my other children and my husband. I see it in the eyes and words of our sisters and brothers, our parents, and grandparents. I see it in the eyes and words of Corey's dearest friends. It is a pain I won't ever understand. Pain that is all about knowing that my closest and his closest loved ones are hurting, hurting with the intensity that I hurt. Oh how this breaks my heart all over again. I can not imagine loosing a sibling, a grandson, a nephew, a best friend.
It gives me joy to know that he had so many important people in his life.
He made such a big impact on so many people. I am certain it was in part due to his infectious smile and laugh. He could make anyone laugh no matter the situation. He had a dance he would do that would make the worst mood lighten. He could also tell stories or jokes that fit any situation. He was a well cultured well rounded young man and new how to play to that end. Because of some social issues he had, he didn't know when this was appropriate or not so he would literally make everyone laugh even if it wasn't "the right time."
My boy, my heart. The kids have a saying "The struggle is real" I could certainly echo that right now. This day, this year mark. This struggle is real. More real than seems possible. It hurts and it is real.
There are days when I think the pain isn't as intense and days that it may not feel as intense. I have learned to not let that fool me because even though it may not be at the fore front it may knock me out for the count if a memory comes to mind or a person walks by that reminds me of Corey. I heard it once described as waves of an ocean. You can see them and feel them in short burst but at times they are intense enough to knock the wind out of you. These waves supposedly get further and further apart in this grief journey. I have to have faith that this is true but I haven't fully experienced it yet. My grief still feels like I am standing in the middle of the ocean instead of at the edges.
I really can not say that the fog of denial has fully lifted because there are still days that I wonder what he is doing or when he will come home. Some days I let myself ponder in these thoughts. He must be hanging out with a various group of friends. He is 19 so he will be around when he needs something. It feels good sometimes to just let my mind wonder and imagine what could or would be happening. I do not know if this ever stops. Maybe one day I won't let my mind continue in the story line but for now it gives me comfort.
Then there are days that the reality of cold cruel death stare me in the face. These are days that I am stifled in life. I can't get out of bed. I might not shower or even eat. I don't answer the phone or text. I am just overwhelmed with pain. These days I can't think of anyone but myself and the child I carried inside me and then went through hours of labor to birth. I forget that there are others in pain who may be struggling, whose life Corey touched. In these moments of pain no one else can possibly relate. It just hurts.
There are days that I am in intense pain but it is different than what I have described above it is a sympathetic or empathetic pain. It is the pain that is ever present in the eyes, words and actions of my other children and my husband. I see it in the eyes and words of our sisters and brothers, our parents, and grandparents. I see it in the eyes and words of Corey's dearest friends. It is a pain I won't ever understand. Pain that is all about knowing that my closest and his closest loved ones are hurting, hurting with the intensity that I hurt. Oh how this breaks my heart all over again. I can not imagine loosing a sibling, a grandson, a nephew, a best friend.
It gives me joy to know that he had so many important people in his life.
He made such a big impact on so many people. I am certain it was in part due to his infectious smile and laugh. He could make anyone laugh no matter the situation. He had a dance he would do that would make the worst mood lighten. He could also tell stories or jokes that fit any situation. He was a well cultured well rounded young man and new how to play to that end. Because of some social issues he had, he didn't know when this was appropriate or not so he would literally make everyone laugh even if it wasn't "the right time."
My boy, my heart. The kids have a saying "The struggle is real" I could certainly echo that right now. This day, this year mark. This struggle is real. More real than seems possible. It hurts and it is real.
Princess Carrissa our favorite daughter turns 17
When I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child it took us a little bit longer to get excited. We already had 2 boys who were only 1 and 2. The 1 year old still had multiple surgeries ahead of him. We had no idea how we would handle another baby. We had been using the latest form of birth control it was implanted into my arm right after the birth of our second child. There were several complications very early. There were thought to be 2 babies, then what was thought to be a miscarriage. This was a very difficult time. When we went back to the doctor several weeks after this trauma to have test ran we found out there was still a baby and SHE had a heartbeat. The doctors ran test and said she was a normal forming, healthy little girl.
We had decided that Gene could name the girls and I could name the boys. We had been tossing around several names for this baby and could not make a decision we both agreed on. One day we were shopping at a church rumage sale and a little girl came up to us and asked about our young boys. This little girl was very pretty. When she asked what the boys names were she volunteered her name, Carrissa. When the child walked away Gene looked at me and smiled and said that's it that is what I want to name our baby. We quickly agreed on the name Carrissa.
Several months later, we gave birth to a very healthy baby girl, Carrissa Elaine Whitten. Born November 22, 1995. She was the most beautiful little girl we had ever seen. Her big brothers instantly fell in love. Carrissa was a delight. She had a big smile and big brown eyes. She was a joy. Eleven short months later we gave birth to her best friend Isaac. So she is the 3rd of 4 children and our only girl. She has enjoyed this position from the start. She loved baby dolls and dresses. She also had a very special bond with mommy and daddy and each of her brothers adored her.
Carrissa loved dresses, baby dolls and having her hair done. She also liked to be a little helper, taking great care for her brothers and making certain they did not get into trouble. Right before Carrissa turned 2 we moved our young family to Lincoln, Illinios and both Gene and I attended Lincoln Christian University. We moved into Married Student Housing where there were a lot of other young families.
As a toddler, Carrissa loved tea parties, lady bugs and her brothers.
As Carrissa grew into a little girl she wanted some separation from the world of boys. She joined girl scouts and played softball and was very good in school. During her teen years Carrissa has found a love for serving and worshiping at church in various areas. She has enjoyed student athletic training and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. She also enjoys throwing the discus for the track team. Carrissa is a very strong young woman in heart mind soul and spirit along with physically. She can certainly hold her own with anyone she meets if she needs to. Most people that meet Carrissa love her. She is very easy to get along with and has an amazing worldview. We are VERY proud of this young lady.
We had decided that Gene could name the girls and I could name the boys. We had been tossing around several names for this baby and could not make a decision we both agreed on. One day we were shopping at a church rumage sale and a little girl came up to us and asked about our young boys. This little girl was very pretty. When she asked what the boys names were she volunteered her name, Carrissa. When the child walked away Gene looked at me and smiled and said that's it that is what I want to name our baby. We quickly agreed on the name Carrissa.
Several months later, we gave birth to a very healthy baby girl, Carrissa Elaine Whitten. Born November 22, 1995. She was the most beautiful little girl we had ever seen. Her big brothers instantly fell in love. Carrissa was a delight. She had a big smile and big brown eyes. She was a joy. Eleven short months later we gave birth to her best friend Isaac. So she is the 3rd of 4 children and our only girl. She has enjoyed this position from the start. She loved baby dolls and dresses. She also had a very special bond with mommy and daddy and each of her brothers adored her.
Carrissa loved dresses, baby dolls and having her hair done. She also liked to be a little helper, taking great care for her brothers and making certain they did not get into trouble. Right before Carrissa turned 2 we moved our young family to Lincoln, Illinios and both Gene and I attended Lincoln Christian University. We moved into Married Student Housing where there were a lot of other young families.
As a toddler, Carrissa loved tea parties, lady bugs and her brothers.
As Carrissa grew into a little girl she wanted some separation from the world of boys. She joined girl scouts and played softball and was very good in school. During her teen years Carrissa has found a love for serving and worshiping at church in various areas. She has enjoyed student athletic training and Fellowship of Christian Athletes. She also enjoys throwing the discus for the track team. Carrissa is a very strong young woman in heart mind soul and spirit along with physically. She can certainly hold her own with anyone she meets if she needs to. Most people that meet Carrissa love her. She is very easy to get along with and has an amazing worldview. We are VERY proud of this young lady.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
20 years, to have and to hold, till death do us part
Monday, December 14, 1992
I, Dana Elaine Sanders, take Eugene K Whitten to be my lawfully wedded husband to live together in marriage!
I promise to love, comfort, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, being faithful only to him so long as you both shall live!
11 months
This blog, like all of the rest, is going to be fairly raw. I have to say that I am going through a medication change and some health issues so I am having an extra difficult time. I do not know if I would feel quite so depressed if it were not for some of these issues.
I have realized in the past few days that we are quickly approaching the year mark of Corey's death. I knew this was coming it is no big surprise what has surprised me is the drastic shift in my life. I have went several weeks without needing any extra prn medications such as Klonipine etc. Now all of a sudden I am needing at least one per day. All of the coupons and commercials mention March. Every time I hear March I begin to panic.
It ends up being a vicious cycle because when I panic then I feel guilty and then hungry after that sleepy and it repeats. I have to say I end up hating myself. I may well be closer to a breakdown now than I was any point during the past year. I attempt to hold it together for the sake of my other kids and husband. Thinking about that makes me feel panic again. I just want to scream.
A month ago when I went to have my medication refilled I was told it was $639.00. I had been on this medication for about 6 months and it was working really well. Because of the new year and having to meet our deductible I had to pay almost the full cost for it. Needless to say I had to be put on a less expensive medication. I have been told different solutions by several "helpful" people. I wish people would think through things before they give such helpful advise. Yes some companies will help pay for medications the issue with that is it is a process to get the help it takes approximately 2 months. These type of medications have a series of really bad side effects when you abruptly stop them. If you can not afford the medication during the time it takes to apply for the help you are up a creek. That is all I will say about that since it is the most common advice given. I am given advice like I don't watch the same commercials everyone else does. And yes, I know people are just trying to be helpful but sometimes helpful would just be to listen because the advice isn't really helpful.
Also, after several months worth of testing I have been diagnosed with cystic kidney disease. I have a cyst bigger than my kidney should be on the inside of my kidney. My right kidney is now non functioning. I mid March (there's that word again) I will be having it removed. I am a little nervous about this. I will be in the hospital for several days etc.
Then comes the end of March. The 21st will have been Corey's 20th birthday. ugg. Then the 29th, CJ's 19th birthday is the year anniversary of Corey's death. This is a hard one. I am hating it. Have no idea what to do or how to act. I want to make it a great birthday for CJ but wow how hard will this be.
Then its also Good Friday. Just in case I forgot... God went through the same pain I did having a son die on this day. Good thing His conquered death so mine could live forever more and I could have the promise of being reunited with him again.
That was easy to type but not easy to grasp.
I miss my oldest son more than anyone could possibly understand. I feel like I just heard this news of pregnancy yesterday, just gave birth a few days ago, just held him in my arms, just sent him off to school, just dried his tears over the first girl, just took him on his first drive, just went to his graduation, dressed him for prom, oh God where did the time go? Where did my heart go? Is he really gone forever from this earth?
I love you Corey Whitten.
I have realized in the past few days that we are quickly approaching the year mark of Corey's death. I knew this was coming it is no big surprise what has surprised me is the drastic shift in my life. I have went several weeks without needing any extra prn medications such as Klonipine etc. Now all of a sudden I am needing at least one per day. All of the coupons and commercials mention March. Every time I hear March I begin to panic.
It ends up being a vicious cycle because when I panic then I feel guilty and then hungry after that sleepy and it repeats. I have to say I end up hating myself. I may well be closer to a breakdown now than I was any point during the past year. I attempt to hold it together for the sake of my other kids and husband. Thinking about that makes me feel panic again. I just want to scream.
A month ago when I went to have my medication refilled I was told it was $639.00. I had been on this medication for about 6 months and it was working really well. Because of the new year and having to meet our deductible I had to pay almost the full cost for it. Needless to say I had to be put on a less expensive medication. I have been told different solutions by several "helpful" people. I wish people would think through things before they give such helpful advise. Yes some companies will help pay for medications the issue with that is it is a process to get the help it takes approximately 2 months. These type of medications have a series of really bad side effects when you abruptly stop them. If you can not afford the medication during the time it takes to apply for the help you are up a creek. That is all I will say about that since it is the most common advice given. I am given advice like I don't watch the same commercials everyone else does. And yes, I know people are just trying to be helpful but sometimes helpful would just be to listen because the advice isn't really helpful.
Also, after several months worth of testing I have been diagnosed with cystic kidney disease. I have a cyst bigger than my kidney should be on the inside of my kidney. My right kidney is now non functioning. I mid March (there's that word again) I will be having it removed. I am a little nervous about this. I will be in the hospital for several days etc.
Then comes the end of March. The 21st will have been Corey's 20th birthday. ugg. Then the 29th, CJ's 19th birthday is the year anniversary of Corey's death. This is a hard one. I am hating it. Have no idea what to do or how to act. I want to make it a great birthday for CJ but wow how hard will this be.
Then its also Good Friday. Just in case I forgot... God went through the same pain I did having a son die on this day. Good thing His conquered death so mine could live forever more and I could have the promise of being reunited with him again.
That was easy to type but not easy to grasp.
I miss my oldest son more than anyone could possibly understand. I feel like I just heard this news of pregnancy yesterday, just gave birth a few days ago, just held him in my arms, just sent him off to school, just dried his tears over the first girl, just took him on his first drive, just went to his graduation, dressed him for prom, oh God where did the time go? Where did my heart go? Is he really gone forever from this earth?
I love you Corey Whitten.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Anniversary 12/14/1992 - forever
Today I have been married to my husband one day short of 20 years. Since I'm pretty sure neither of us have the money to file for divorce I can say with some certainty that we will make it to 20 years.
We met in the 1980's. Ben Davis High School football team and Warren Central Football team were playing at the Hoosier Dome..... That may help clarify the date. I was with my bestie, Sherry Jaynes. I saw a guy across the stands and I said I had to meet him. When she said why I said because I was going to marry him.
We went to where we thought he was sitting and he was gone. Sherry said lets forget it there's a lot of people here and you won't find him. If you know me or anything about me that simply means, "bets on." We went out of the stands to the common area and there he was on the pay phone. Does anyone see my halo becoming a hula hoop right about now???
I went to the guy and said, "What is your name, Well it doesn't really matter because I need you to hang up the phone we are going to get married!" Yep true story.
He hesitated. Oopp there goes my halo again. I hung up the phone. The young, I'm sure stunningly beautiful, girl on the phone was just hung up on by a ghettooooooo white girl, half of my head shaved straight out of, well you get the picture.
He looked at me and when his eyes met mine his frown turned to shock then a smile. To me in that moment I HONESTLY feel like God was showing me a light at the end of the long dark tunnel that I was only about 1/2 way down. There are other blogs about what my life looked like from my eyes as a child and young teen. I was in deep. But I won't rehash that now. We hung out. Please understand this guy, my future husband, for real, was the most polite gentle spirited person I have ever met. I was, well, bad. At the end of this blog when I post to facebook I will tag some people who will read and hopefully attest to what I am saying about myself.
Gene and I met various places and hung out. We talked on the phone and wrote letters. After a while we only saw one another a few times a year for several years. He went off to college and I finished high school living with various people and working 2 jobs. I skipped school one day just to hang out and was very violently attacked. I went to school the next day where my boyfriend at the time found out about where I hung out and hit me several times knocking me out in the hall way at Ben Davis High School.
A lot of my 'friends' saw this as my fault and left my side. I ended up graduating from an alternative school in our township and my boyfriend at the time who was an all state wrestler was expelled. His wrestling career over, high school career over, scholarships lost etc. Jason wherever you are I am terribly sorry. Not because I skipped school that day but because I didn't have any common sense and it got us both in a world of trouble.
After that day I decided I was ready to settle my life down. I needed a respite and I needed it fast. I did the only thing I knew to do. I called that guy that was stability to me. He welcomed me with half open arms. He was willing for me to come and visit him at college and even to hang out with his friends but he had a girl friend. It wasn't long before the visits became more frequent, the other girlfriend went away and we became serious. We decided that we would both go into the National Guard and if when we got back from training we were still in love we would marry.
We were married 12-14-1992
Robbie Jaynes & Stacy Mills stood up for us at our wedding. Our mother's attended along with some of the friends we had met from our church family where we were attending and became married.
We have had our ups and downs. Gene went directly into the 'full time Army' and was stationed in El Paso, Texas. We soon found out we were having a little boy and we were ready to start our life as a couple, alone, in Texas.
It is strange sitting here writing this thinking of all we have been through. There isn't anything that we have been through that I would not openly discuss. I am very transparent and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt our past is why were are where we are.
We had A LOT of people who thought we would fail. We moved a lot at first, lived in poverty for a lot of our life. And most recent and most crushing, we lost our first born son. The stats were against us, still are and always have been. We have lived our married life as Christians. We are an interracial couple married in 1992, had a child with a disability, a child born with multiple medical needs, etc. We fought hard for everything we have and we will continue to do so. Any number of the things mentioned above make our chances of staying married 0-none. We give all the glory to God.
Gene is a little less open about difficulties that we have endured. He is still a gentle spirit. I am willing to openly discuss anything anyone would like to. Please comment and at least let me know you read this blog. If anyone, especially any of the teens, have any questions feel free to contact me.
Our journey is only briefly described above we have fought issues with health, addiction, etc. No marriage is easy. If it is, then it isn't right and won't make it.
As I said I would, I will list some names and then tag them. These people can attest to my 'abruptness' even as a young teen. I was 13 when Gene and I met, he was 16.
Robbie & Stacy Jaynes, Sherry Parsons, Steve Yockey, Dyna Graham... Anyone else who would like to add your name feel free.
Will edit as needed. Suggestions accepted. :) love you all.
We met in the 1980's. Ben Davis High School football team and Warren Central Football team were playing at the Hoosier Dome..... That may help clarify the date. I was with my bestie, Sherry Jaynes. I saw a guy across the stands and I said I had to meet him. When she said why I said because I was going to marry him.
Please note: True Story: This is public so there is no way I can lie and not get caught.
I went to the guy and said, "What is your name, Well it doesn't really matter because I need you to hang up the phone we are going to get married!" Yep true story.
He hesitated. Oopp there goes my halo again. I hung up the phone. The young, I'm sure stunningly beautiful, girl on the phone was just hung up on by a ghettooooooo white girl, half of my head shaved straight out of, well you get the picture.
He looked at me and when his eyes met mine his frown turned to shock then a smile. To me in that moment I HONESTLY feel like God was showing me a light at the end of the long dark tunnel that I was only about 1/2 way down. There are other blogs about what my life looked like from my eyes as a child and young teen. I was in deep. But I won't rehash that now. We hung out. Please understand this guy, my future husband, for real, was the most polite gentle spirited person I have ever met. I was, well, bad. At the end of this blog when I post to facebook I will tag some people who will read and hopefully attest to what I am saying about myself.
Gene and I met various places and hung out. We talked on the phone and wrote letters. After a while we only saw one another a few times a year for several years. He went off to college and I finished high school living with various people and working 2 jobs. I skipped school one day just to hang out and was very violently attacked. I went to school the next day where my boyfriend at the time found out about where I hung out and hit me several times knocking me out in the hall way at Ben Davis High School.
A lot of my 'friends' saw this as my fault and left my side. I ended up graduating from an alternative school in our township and my boyfriend at the time who was an all state wrestler was expelled. His wrestling career over, high school career over, scholarships lost etc. Jason wherever you are I am terribly sorry. Not because I skipped school that day but because I didn't have any common sense and it got us both in a world of trouble.
After that day I decided I was ready to settle my life down. I needed a respite and I needed it fast. I did the only thing I knew to do. I called that guy that was stability to me. He welcomed me with half open arms. He was willing for me to come and visit him at college and even to hang out with his friends but he had a girl friend. It wasn't long before the visits became more frequent, the other girlfriend went away and we became serious. We decided that we would both go into the National Guard and if when we got back from training we were still in love we would marry.
We were married 12-14-1992
Robbie Jaynes & Stacy Mills stood up for us at our wedding. Our mother's attended along with some of the friends we had met from our church family where we were attending and became married.
We have had our ups and downs. Gene went directly into the 'full time Army' and was stationed in El Paso, Texas. We soon found out we were having a little boy and we were ready to start our life as a couple, alone, in Texas.
It is strange sitting here writing this thinking of all we have been through. There isn't anything that we have been through that I would not openly discuss. I am very transparent and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt our past is why were are where we are.
We had A LOT of people who thought we would fail. We moved a lot at first, lived in poverty for a lot of our life. And most recent and most crushing, we lost our first born son. The stats were against us, still are and always have been. We have lived our married life as Christians. We are an interracial couple married in 1992, had a child with a disability, a child born with multiple medical needs, etc. We fought hard for everything we have and we will continue to do so. Any number of the things mentioned above make our chances of staying married 0-none. We give all the glory to God.
Gene is a little less open about difficulties that we have endured. He is still a gentle spirit. I am willing to openly discuss anything anyone would like to. Please comment and at least let me know you read this blog. If anyone, especially any of the teens, have any questions feel free to contact me.
Our journey is only briefly described above we have fought issues with health, addiction, etc. No marriage is easy. If it is, then it isn't right and won't make it.
As I said I would, I will list some names and then tag them. These people can attest to my 'abruptness' even as a young teen. I was 13 when Gene and I met, he was 16.
Robbie & Stacy Jaynes, Sherry Parsons, Steve Yockey, Dyna Graham... Anyone else who would like to add your name feel free.
Will edit as needed. Suggestions accepted. :) love you all.
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