Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Tuesday November 20th 2:41am???

Coming as another unedited view of my heart at the butt crack of dawn.  No idea why I am up and sobbing right now when I have perfectly decent hours to do it during the day but..............

I have been sick for several weeks.  Generally speaking I get Bronchitis around this time every year.  I remember having it last year because it ended up turning into pneumonia and Corey was having some problems at school and I tried to sort of guilt him into listening to me about his lifestyle.  "Corey I am spending time in the hospital way from work because I am so sick and you are calling me at 3am telling me what extra curricular activities you are engaging in.  I am worried sick about you and that is not helping in healing"  Young adults caught up in what he was caught up in and/or young adults with diagnosis as he had do not respond well to this type of swaying.  Any of my other children would at least stop calling that late, if not be on the first bus home.

This year after the Bronchitis diagnosis I actually felt better for about 3 days.  I mean better than I had in a LONG time.  Then about the 4th morning I woke up sicker than I was before and things gradually got worse.  Thinking that it was changing as it did last year I figured I would wait for the weekend and go in on Monday.  Well over the weekend I began swelling starting in my mouth, tongue etc, nose, inside and out, face and various other places.  This was a painful almost couldn't bear pain.

Monday morning slowly rolled around and I find out my medications, heart, depression, anxiety, and the 4 extras for Bronchitis treatments have clashed somewhere along the way and I have a way different infection all through my body.  I will not go into details about this infection because it will absolutely gross me out but the only thing I can eat is yogurt and I have NO taste buds.  (for those of you that have read past blogs - yes they all crawled out) The doctor said by Thanksgiving I might be able to enjoy mashed potatoes.
I am not sure at all how many of you know me but I hate drinking water and I love food.  So for everything I intake to either burn or have no taste it is very frustrating to me.  When I say burn I mean like super spicy food all the way down.

I am now off of the medications originally given for the Bronchitis and on 5 new medications 1 being a steroid shot.  I am a big baby when I am sick. (btw) I am not a good patient.  Everything annoys me and I am extra super duper emotional.  Lets pair that with the fact that 231 days ago we buried our 19 year old a month in a half after that our next oldest went to college.  Two 16 year old's at home, a husband who is devoted to bringing enough money in for us to live, ALONG WITH IT IS THE WEEK OF THANKSGIVING.
Just this week I have heard Dana I am really worried about you.  You have 3 other children and a husband who need you.  You can't just shut down. 

I have had some issues in my past that I have explained in previous blogs.  Along with those and the death of  our oldest child I decided it would be best to get on some sort term disability so that I could find some real healing and deal with some past issues.  When I was sent to the state funded doctor for a thorough diagnostic test I was given a list.  I was told that I did not have to live under this list for the entire rest of my life but I needed to be treated for these issues before deciding to end therapy.  (God played these cards right for me this day.  This therapist was a member of the Christian Psychological Foundation) Not sure if I am saying this name right.  Anyway he was, probably still is a Christian.

His laundry list for me and to the state..... Fybromyalgia, PTSD, which includes panic d/o, depressive d/o and anxiety d/o, Agoraphobia, Disassociative Disorder - Amnesia Type (brought on by sudden loss). 
{side note Disassociative Personality Disorder is Multiple Personality - please note that is not what this says}

For any of you that would like a layman's breakdown of this it means inside I am a scared little girl who startles easily has panic attacks lasting more than 30 minutes in duration, gets depressed easily hospitalized type if unmedicated, do NOT like to leave home or be in unknown environments especially not alone, do not like to be in close proximity of anyone especially not large crowds with no reasonable way out, fear of being trapped, can go out places and forget where I am why I am there and/or how to get home, could spend money not know where, why or what I did, (Within all of this I can get head spinning mad and pull someone's eye lashes out without much care in the world - ok that is a tad exaggerated.) I do hate injustice and can get pretty heated about it especially if it involves my children. All of this plus the Fybro that causes some trigger points that create generalized or overall pain within my body sometimes to the touch along with irritable bowel syndrome and immune deficiencies.   

When I used to hear diagnosis like this in people I would do more research but 9 times out of 10 make fun of them.  God has a sense of humor.  This is no joke at this point in my life.  I am Praising God through the storm.  I am attempting to find healing through individual therapy, support groups and medicine.  But I live in consent turmoil and pain.  I almost feel like the guy on Green Mile that took on other's burdens.  I feel like in some ways I am truly getting a taste of how Corey felt at times.  

So in light of the current illness plus the past diagnosis I am a walking time bomb ok maybe not a time bomb maybe a worm.  I do not know I have done very little so far this week besides sleep and cry.  I realize it is only 3:30am on Tuesday but I am counting Sunday as the first day of the week........ we will see it could get better.  CJ is coming home for a long weekend visit.  I am looking forward to that.  Thanksgiving with all of the food yet only being able to eat mashed potatoes because of swelling, well not looking so forward to my part of that.  Looking forward to everyone enjoying all of the food.  The missing seat at the table yeah not looking forward to that at all.....

Another interesting thing about all of this is we usually have stragglers, friends with no place to go for Thanksgiving come over and join us, granted we moved into a somewhat smaller house, but I have a feeling it is because most people are doing what would be easiest for us to do and that is running from the Whitten's Thanksgiving drab.  We will do our best to enjoy Thanksgiving even with my husband on call and a missing seat.  We will have all of the great food and we will have company on Friday for leftovers.  

We never have enough money to celebrate Holidays how we would like to.  Not much has changed in that area this year but interestingly enough when there is a MISSING SEAT no one focuses on that any more.  That becomes a non issue.  Interesting what types of this become non issues during times like this.    
We ask the kids about Christmas they say they are good they do not need anything for Christmas.  This is a double edge sword.  It sort of breaks my heart to think that they are saying it because of the MISSING SEAT but that we have raised them to realize Christmas isn't about gifts.  
I suppose the first's will be the hardest.  Things may not get better but easier to handle or easier to make a place for those feelings.  


Friday, November 9, 2012

National Grief Awareness Day 11/15/12

Brooke's Place National Children's Grief Awareness Day

Wear blue on November 15th is Children’s Grief Awareness Day. Wearing blue that day as we will be spreading the word to the community that “It’s OK to Talk About Grief.”