Tuesday, February 26, 2013

20 years, to have and to hold, till death do us part

Monday, December 14, 1992

I, Dana Elaine Sanders, take Eugene K Whitten to be my lawfully wedded husband to live together in marriage!

I promise to love, comfort, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, being faithful only to him so long as you both shall live!

11 months

This blog, like all of the rest, is going to be fairly raw.  I have to say that I am going through a medication change and some health issues so I am having an extra difficult time.  I do not know if I would feel quite so depressed if it were not for some of these issues.
I have realized in the past few days that we are quickly approaching the year mark of Corey's death.  I knew this was coming it is no big surprise what has surprised me is the drastic shift in my life.  I have went several weeks without needing any extra prn medications such as Klonipine etc.  Now all of a sudden I am needing at least one per day.  All of the coupons and commercials mention March.  Every time I hear March I begin to panic.
It ends up being a vicious cycle because when I panic then I feel guilty and then hungry after that sleepy and it repeats.  I have to say I end up hating myself.  I may well be closer to a breakdown now than I was any point during the past year.  I attempt to hold it together for the sake of my other kids and husband.  Thinking about that makes me feel panic again.  I just want to scream.
A month ago when I went to have my medication refilled I was told it was $639.00.  I had been on this medication for about 6 months and it was working really well.  Because of the new year and having to meet our deductible I had to pay almost the full cost for it.  Needless to say I had to be put on a less expensive medication.  I have been told different solutions by several "helpful" people.  I wish people would think through things before they give such helpful advise.  Yes some companies will help pay for medications the issue with that is it is a process to get the help it takes approximately 2 months.  These type of medications have a series of really bad side effects when you abruptly stop them.  If you can not afford the medication during the time it takes to apply for the help you are up a creek.  That is all I will say about that since it is the most common advice given.  I am given advice like I don't watch the same commercials everyone else does. And yes, I know people are just trying to be helpful but sometimes helpful would just be to listen because the advice isn't really helpful.
Also, after several months worth of testing I have been diagnosed with cystic kidney disease.  I have a cyst bigger than my kidney should be on the inside of my kidney.  My right kidney is now non functioning.  I mid March (there's that word again) I will be having it removed.  I am a little nervous about this.  I will be in the hospital for several days etc.   
Then comes the end of March.  The 21st will have been Corey's 20th birthday.  ugg.  Then the 29th, CJ's 19th birthday is the year anniversary of Corey's death.  This is a hard one.  I am hating it.  Have no idea what to do or how to act.  I want to make it a great birthday for CJ but wow how hard will this be.
Then its also Good Friday.  Just in case I forgot... God went through the same pain I did having a son die on this day.  Good thing His conquered death so mine could live forever more and I could have the promise of being reunited with him again.
That was easy to type but not easy to grasp.
I miss my oldest son more than anyone could possibly understand.  I feel like I just heard this news of pregnancy yesterday, just gave birth a few days ago, just held him in my arms, just sent him off to school, just dried his tears over the first girl, just took him on his first drive, just went to his graduation, dressed him for prom, oh God where did the time go? Where did my heart go? Is he really gone forever from this earth?
I love you Corey Whitten.