At the beginning of every blog I let people know I write these in the raw. Feelings, grammar etc. I attempt to spell check but if you see a huge error please let me know because I do not catch every error when I'm extra emotional which I am as I write these then I just want to get it all out there. How's that for my first run on sentence?
Its been 6 years since our oldest son died. There are things swirling in my mind today causing all sorts of panic. I have been doing pretty good keeping panic at bay so I decided it was time to write another blog and get my feelings out. Maybe sharing will someday will help someone.
For anyone reading this who do not know our story I'm going to briefly share. If you go back through older blogs you can get a lot more details. You are welcome to do so. I will put a star where you can begin reading if you know our story.
My husband and I married very young. Before I was 24 years old we had 4 children each child approximately 1 year apart. We intentionally learned as much as we could about marriage and family because we wanted to break the chains and cycles of our past. We wanted nothing less than success in our relationship and we had a strong desire for our children to have better lives and futures than us.
At age 19 our oldest son was walking along a US Highway and decided to cross the road. He crossed in front of a stopped trash truck. As he was crossing an SUV swerved around the trash truck and struck him. He died on impact. We saw it on the morning news as an "unidentified young man" before we heard the devastating news. The day this occurred was our next oldest son's 18th birthday.
My husband and I had some decisions to make. Do we run into God, knowing we had 3 very vulnerable teenagers watching our reactions or do we bury our heads in the sand and let our family, hopes, and dreams die with our son?
*We chose to press hard into God. We chose to rely on His people and allow His comfort to see us through. There is obviously A LOT more to this story but for time sake to fast forward 6 years we miss Corey so much but have realized to keep his memory alive we have to live life. We can use his memory and our story to help others find and keep faith in Christ. We can use it to help others know there is hope in tragedy. We can help others understand we serve a good God who doesn't cause death. But carries us through when we face it and gives us treasures on the other side.
Things I've learned over the past 6 years along with what I stated above.
We grieve many things in our lifetime. We grieve any unmet expectation. If our friends or family act different than they are suppose to, we grieve. We grieve when there is a diagnosis. We grieve when goals aren't met. We grieve any time our heart is set on something and whatever it is happens differently than we expected it to. The grief may be more intense for different losses. There is no way the loss of a bank card or cell phone hurts like the loss of a parent or child. But none the less it all hurts.
I have a visceral response starting right before each major holiday and beginning mid February until just after Easter.
Visceral is defined as felt in or as if in the internal organs of the body or not intellectual.
This is a thing. It happens. It is a feeling I get deep inside and I walk around for days trying to figure out why I feel so different, then it either dawns on me or someone tells me, "Hey its grief. Its ok."
Then I breath a little easier knowing that it will soon become less intense. Interestingly, I am generally not even consciously thinking about the date or anything else it is a deep rooted pain that is unexplainable any other way. I have tried. I've went to the doctors, counselors, preachers, mentors, etc. they all have the same answer....its grief.
I decided that this might be ok to learn to live with. If I didn't grieve forever I would question my love. I would be afraid I would forget what I had. God created us so intricately.
I expect to grieve the rest of my life. When Corey first died I spoke with a few parents who had lost children years earlier. They were still very emotional. At the time I was scared and mad because I realized it never really gets better, I will never get over it. Since then I have realized they likely were that emotional because they could feel my pain. My pain and situation made theirs come to the forefront of their minds. It reminded them of the intensity of the first days. I have recently spoken with a momma who lost her child 30 years ago and she feels very similar to me. It isn't quite as intense on a daily basis but it still hurts beyond measure. I can still say not a day goes by I don't think about him in some capacity, goodness it's hard. The memory can bring a chuckle now. It isn't always tears but it is always there.
The hardest day of the year for me is Corey's birthday. Research shows a piece of a child's DNA is forever embedded inside the mom after the child is born. Our children's birthdays are as much about us as it is about them. To know once upon a time it was one of the happiest days of my life yet to know he's not here to share it with me. Mercy it's painful.
So in 6 days is Corey's 25th birthday. 25, am I old enough for that. I remember his birth like it was yesterday yet it seems like forever since I last spoke with him.
Days like this I have to cling to the promises of my savior.
Train up a child in the way he should go and he will not depart from it.
There will come a day standing face to face in a moment we'll be like Him, He will wipe our eyes dry take us up to His side and FOREVER we will be HIS. (reworded by a Phillips Craig and Dean)
On those days where I want to give up I can look around and know beyond a shadow of a doubt there is a God. If there is a God His word is True. If His word is True I WILL see my boy again. He will be up in Heaven with a new body, no disabilities, no scars, no pain.
I can see him surfing the clouds, worshiping with the angels, and asking God if he can give us a little hint that he is still near.
Even in the chaos it is an exciting time in our lives. It seems we are all starting or have started new chapters. My husband and I are both working on our Masters Degrees. Both of our boys are marrying this summer and our daughter is graduating from nursing school. We are excited about all of the upcoming events.
In all of the excitement there is a small part of me that wonders where Corey would be. What big changes would his life be taking? Is it ok to rejoice with my other children even in my pain and heartache. Is it ok to move forward with my life even though it feels like I'm leaving him behind? I'm certain these are questions I will forever ask myself. I know the answers deep in my heart these are just questions forever in my mind.
I am starting to laugh and smile again. The first time I laughed out loud I startled myself. Then I went through a slew of emotions and had to process through the fact that Corey was a clown. He always wanted people laughing so much so he went out of his way to make people laugh. I think if he is looking down on us he is smiling. He is happy for us.
I thank God that in my weakness He is made strong.
2 Corinthians 12:19f
Revelation 21:4f
Proverbs 22:6
https://youtu.be/aaj7YQZbvcY
