Part 2 What not to say to the bereaved (mourner)

I realize this one isn't quite as informative or witty as part 1 but these are some other things people said to me or my family that stung in the moment.  
Again as I said in the last blog, some of this is ok to say to the family after they have accepted it for themselves or as their reality.  Once they start working through things, they may need some reminders.  The real issue is timing.  I was just connected with another family who lost a child.  I was reading comments on their facebook page and cringed.  The comments still hurt me and it has been 5 months.  Once the family has time and energy to process what people have said they are going to be angry.  
The people who will be safe to discuss these things with the family will be whomever the family chooses to discuss them with.  A person may assume they are a "close friend or family" so it would be ok to say some of these statements, and be very wrong.

You still have another son

One son doesn’t replace another.  It is true, though, that having other children does motivate me ever so slightly to continue to function.  I cannot function on the same level I did pre death but I know I need to stay alive and work on healing myself and create an environment for their healing also.

Time will heal all wounds.

First of all, such phrases sound contrite. Second, they are often untrue: for example, time does not necessarily heal grief. The bereaved have every right to grieve as long as necessary without having a time limit laid on them of "getting over it."
For me, I will not be "over it" until we meet again.

At least he lived a full life.

No he did not live a full life.  He may have lived longer than the boy down the street or your niece's still born baby, but not a full life.  He had goals and dreams for after college.  He was only 19 years old. The natural order of things is great grandparents pass, then grandparents, next parents.  You get the idea kids are suppose to out live their parents.  No parent should ever have to bury a child, no matter what age.

Everything is going to be alright.

When?

Count your blessings.

In theory, this is a great concept.  The problem is that there is a large hole where I usually begin counting.  In the horror of the moment it is not helpful to be reminded of your other children etc.  
I am very thankful for my other blessings.  Counting them in the moment all I could see is -1

You have your whole life ahead of you.

I do have my whole life ahead of me but my son doesn't.  Right now it doesn't feel like I have my whole life ahead of me it simply feels like I have my life ahead of me.  My whole life would include my entire family.

Life goes on.

Whose life goes on?  

God never allows suffering without a purpose

Never say "...it is God's will." Just about nothing can upset a person in grief more than these words. When we lose those most precious to us, we may wonder why God could possibly allow their death.  There may very well be a purpose but this is for each individual to work out for themselves.  
The detective who came and told us about Corey's death stated, "Ma'am, please remember something in the days to come. God may have just saved Corey from something far worse."  Now looking back I can say, "Yes, that may very well be true." I could even have a dialogue about what could have been the "far worse he was saved from."  But had anyone else in that moment said that to me, I may have went crazy on them.

I know how you feel. (Often followed by a story about an Uncle or dog.)

There is absolutely no way for anyone to know how another person feels.  Every relationship is different.  Along with every personality is different.  We all handle trauma and grief differently.  Even 2 people who both lost their sons, they will process things differently.  They may have a general idea of how the other person feels.  But everyone’s grief is individual and feelings are processed differently from one person to another. 

Others have lived through it and so can you.

This statement is possibly dangerous: someone who has just lost a child might feel so close to death already that he or she is pushed over the edge by being told they can "get through it." Hopefully a choice of life will be the answer - but this is something with which someone must personally come to terms.

"Very horrific things do happen in this world, and if we have been touched by child loss, then we have experienced the deepest pain known to mankind. There isn't any sense trying to sugar coat it. The pain from losing a child is off the charts. And, somehow we are left with trying to chunk down this pain into daily manageable pieces. It's a life-long process." Grief Toolbox

Be assured, though: you can offer effective comfort to those in grief.