Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Part 3 What you CAN do for the bereaved or mourning


 Being the hands and feet.  

Suggestions for what can be helpful.

This is the conclusion of a three part blog on what shouldn't be said to a person who is mourning. I wanted to put a different spin on this part because I realized in my last two blogs I basically said, "don't say anything."  That is not at all what I mean.  So I have put together some things that were done for us that were very helpful.  

In finishing this blog 'series',  I would like to make some suggestions of things that can be done to assist those who are grieving.  Some dear friends of mine were discussing this with me just today and I realized how to explain it. The words one friend used were, "There really isn't anything to say.  And using Bible verses or discussing Heaven is great, but not in the moment of intense raw grief. The (Christian) mourners know that there is truth in the promises of God but they are feeling alone, betrayed, guilty, etc.  The best way to help is to flesh out Christ.  Show God's love.  There's no need to discuss anything or try to find a comment to soothe the mourners just help them.  Meet what physical needs you can."

In an attempt to show Christ’s love, your devotion, your sorrow for their loss, or however you want to define it, you must be the hands and feet.  There are no words to say that will help someone who is at the peak of hopelessness.  There are however things that can be done that will show the person you care and you are there for them.  If you are worried about the person not knowing that you were around then simply leave a card. 

One of the first things someone should do is buy or find a box or basket for everything that comes into the home; cards, letters etc.  This is where you can place a 3x5 card showing that you were there and what you may have done, or brought etc. Also encourage others who come into the home to put their name in this container.  When calls come in whoever takes them should write messages on a notebook for the family, even if the call ends up being taken by the family.     

The main reason I think these are good things to start off with is because the memory span of someone who is mourning is not good or reliable.  They may think they will remember certain details but generally speaking they won't.  I know several times I thought, "Oh my, that is really important I need to remember to tell my husband that."  Haha, it never happened.  I knew I had something to tell him, but not sure what it was.  There were over 600 people noted as attending the funeral, more people came in after the doors where shut and the books closed.  By the time I was able to write thank you cards, I had no idea who brought toilet paper or chicken.   

Make sure that the person’s home is well-stocked with toilet paper, tissues, napkins, paper plates, plastic silverware, trash bags, water, other drinks etc. We found out about our son's death around noon.  By the early afternoon there were people calling with their condolences and asking if there was anything we needed.  I began to write a list after a few of these calls, with some assistance I realized I had told at least 7 people that we needed dish soap and toilet paper.  It has been 5 months now and I still have 1 of the bottles of dish soap left.  It was extremely helpful, but I would suggest someone make a realistic list of what is needed in the home.  With sudden deaths this is not always the easiest part but someone, a close friend or family member, should take over this task.  Give the person who is answering the phone the list and have them cross off things as they tell people.  (Thank you to all of my friends who brought toilet paper and dish soap on March 29th) 

Someone should coordinate providing food for the household.  Our son died on a Thursday.  By Saturday we had 12 containers of chicken on our table.  We laughed about this, but between us and our visitors it all was eaten within a week.   The person recruiting for meals to be brought in should ask for family, friends, neighbors, etc. to assist with bringing in meals for at least 2 weeks.  Some churches have meal ministries and will assist with this it is as simple as someone calling and asking for help. 
This part is very important because during this intense raw grief, a person literally will forget to eat.  I am still struggling with this.  I cannot remember if I have eaten or not.  I feel like the person helping with this part should also keep in mind while casseroles and buckets of chicken are fantastic and nicely reheat-able, there are other food needs.  We had one friend who went to a discount store and bought an entire box of fresh fruits and vegetables.  Another thing that was very helpful were restaurant gift cards.  I do have to say I gained about 40 lbs in the past 5 months.  We eat what is right in front of us.  If it is not healthy, oh well. 

Another thing that a dear friend of mine thought of was to create a website and connect it to a Paypal account so that people could make donations towards funeral cost and any additional cost incurred by the family during this time.  This was very important because our life insurance didn't start until April 6th.  That was 7 days after Corey died.  The friend made it a memorial site so it had details of our son's life.  It also had the news articles associated with his death, great pictures, places to leave comments etc.  The link to the site is in one of the other blogs.

There were many other things done by friends.  
One friend took my other children out shopping for clothing for the funeral.  Separately she took me shopping.  This was an odd shopping trip because I was so numb that I literally stood in the dressing room while she tossed things  to me for me to try on.  I had no idea what I was doing.  
My sister called and said she would put picture boards together to lay out at the funeral.  
A friend of our family called and said she would do all of the flower arrangements.
My dad and stepmother came and went to the funeral home with us to plan services.  My husband and I were in such raw emotion we could not think.  It came down to my parents doing the talking and giving us basic choices.  
My father-in-law found the best burial site priced nicely. (whatever that means)

I will soon add another blog but I wanted to make sure to mention that it is very important for ongoing care of each individual.  Once the  casseroles are done and the people are gone things get really difficult.  Each person should have at least one person who who text them daily at first to check in.  

We are very grateful to everyone of our friends all of those who visited with us, prayed with us, took CJ out for his birthday, Isaac to his baseball game and Carrissa to DQ.  
We could not have made it this far without significant support from our friends and family.  Thank You.  
All of these things were greatly appreciated.  

No comments:

Post a Comment